Conditional offer at London Southbank Uni

Yesterday was a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions type day for me...

Kings said they'd get back to us by 23rd (tomorrow) but we got a message saying actually it will be in the new year. When I sat there reading that message I could feel myself trying not to cry and called them just to clarify. I was told that the midwifery tutors have left early for Christmas and wont be back in till 4th Jan. The earliest we may here is now the 7th of Jan. It was originally 5 days after interview, then 10 days, then 2 weeks and now it's a month.

I've been going out of my mind checking hotmail, ucas track and kings myapplication every 10 minutes or so and can feel the pressure building and building. I'm so un-confident in my interview performance and just dreading an unsuccessful. I never realise how much I'd want this until this week.

When I got off the phone I just burst into tears. I can't face waiting over Christmas I feel obsessed like i NEED to know... and I see everyone else waiting patiently I don't know how they do it.

I was so down I shouted at my son for the first time yesterday. I was sitting on the floor in the living room crying after getting off the phone and he came over being his usual cheeky self and snuck up behind me and ripped some of my hair out. Usually I'd just tell him off in a firm voice but I turned round and screamed at him and he sat onthe floor and started crying as well.

So I made the decision to stop going online as much, frequenting midwifery sites and seeing everyone with their offers etc.

After this I got an email saying my ucas had updated. I knew it was an unsuccessful from LSBU and had to log in to track shaking..... it said conditional.

Well I don't think I've been so shocked in my life... I'm so happy and so proud of myself.

The problem is that LSBU I found out at my interview is much too far away... it's about 2 hours journey and that's with no traffic etc. It includes a walk, a bus journey, a tube journey, switch to another tube, then another bus. I have no clue how I would get their for placements say if i was on night shift etc.

So in a way i feel selfish having an offer when I now know it's unrealistic... I also feel panicky that I'm not going to get an offer anywhere else and will end up moving house. But I can't force my family to move for my dream?

Argh rambling here :(

Psychopathology distinction!

Got my mark sheets back for psychopathology and english level 3 - distinctions!!

so now I have completed 45 credits out of 60 all at distinction and have another 15 credits to go.

changed moderation to march instead of june so am currently working my bum off on biological aspects of health and disease and finding it really hard! written about 10 pages so far on the first 2 questions, then i have 3 essays, a powerpoint presentation and an report that i have to do and then apply statistics to! fun fun

getting jittery waiting on lsbu and kcl!!!

xxx

I love my boyfriend

Today was nice, I met someone who is going to be at the Kings College interview with me on wednesday and we chatted about they day and what we thought it would be like etc. She also saved my life scanning some documents for me to send that Kings required! :D

Got home and was getting frustrated with my access work there is a book I REALLY need but cannot afford and in about 2 minutes my boyfriend had located a free copy on the internet, downloaded it and put it on a memory stick for me! God I love free ebooks!

And THEN i told him about this other book that I really want but it's too expensive and I want it BEFORE my interview on wednesday and he found that one for me too :D:D:D

I'm a happy bunny tonight :) xxx

Middlesex tests today!

Well I went to middlesex uni today for the english and maths tests!

Thankfully the northern line was running ok, and no changes so I got to sit reading magazines on the tube for an hour!

Once I got there I met another lovely lady who was going for the tests and we managed to find the hospital together... there were LOADS of people there!

Was quite surprised how easy the tests actually were and I'm going to be pretty concerned now if I don't pass! lol

It was over a lot quicker than I thought as well and I got some lunch at costa and was on the tube by 12 and home by 1pm!

Apparently we will be hearing by Christmas, which is what LSBU said about whether I'm unsuccessful or not - I'll hear by Christmas! I keep phoning them asking, I'm so impatient! But they keep saying the same thing... by christmas, by christmas! ggrrrrrr

Also got home and checked my emails and I have to redo loads of my bloody psychopathology essay so I now want to kill someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rawr

Middlesex on Friday

I feel really stupid. I've seen some of the people who have had offers at Surrey and I just don't get it. No offence or anything, some of the people who have been given an offer are amazing but others... well one of them can't even spell for a start. I know it sounds petty but it's just like rubbing salt in the wound!

Got English and maths tests at middlesex uni on Friday, they said they have examples of maths and english tests on their site but can't find them anywhere so I'm just going to go with the flow I guess!

Got an email from my tutor today about my psychopathology essay and I nearly pooed myself, but he was just confirming he had recieved it in the post. I have absolutely no motivation with DLC work at the moment and every time I think about it I just want to cry.

It's 1st December today.... do you know what that means? I might be giving birth NEXT MONTH! blooming heck that's gone fast and now I'm terrified! I'm not prepared! I need to sort out the house! buy stuff! Finish DLC! Arghhhh

Unsuccessful at Surrey University

Eek! Haven't posted recently. Been feeling a bit down.

I knew I messed up my Surrey interview and the more I thought about it the more crappy it made me feel

I attended an interview at London Southbank Uni on 16th November and I felt this one went really well! I was in there with the interviewers for nearly an hour, just felt like a relaxed informal conversation where i got to talk about my passion! So different from the Surrey interview! Too bad it's the furthest uni away from me :(

Also can't remember if I posted on here but I got a letter from Middlesex and on the 3rd of December I need to go do some maths and English tests and if I pass them then I get invited to an interview.

At the begining of this week I phoned Surrey and they said they would let me know by Friday (yesterday) whether I had a place or not. I pretty much knew the answer but still sat on eggshells all week waiting. Finally by yesterday afternoon I gave in and phoned them. I was told 'we've rejected you'. Probably not the best way they could have put it but hey ho. I wanted to ask why but could feel myself about to burst into tears so I just said 'ok thank you bye' and hung up.

I then went and ran a bath and sat on my bed thinking about things and crying. Jakob was having a nap so I was alone to be sad. Even though I wasn't shocked by the answer I was still pretty devastated. I didn't even tell Ian straight away as I knew he'd tell me not to cry, not to worry... but sometimes you just have to let it out don't you?

After a while I realised my bath was cold so had obviously been there a while and got Jakob up from his nap and carried on with my day.

All in all I'm grateful I had the interview as it was experience and I gave it a shot. It wasn't my first choice but I did love the university etc so it was still upsetting. Thinking about it it's knocked my confidence a bit for my remaining interviews but has also made me more determined. I will get a place this year, I have to get a place! I NEED a place.

Anyway enough of my ramling, other things that have contributed to my mood recently is the fact that I have SPD. I started getting pains, tried to ignore them until the other day I literally couldn't do anything ALL day and the doctor said I need antenatal physiotherapy now, so yeah, great!

Shit day

went to hospital. forgot to put car seat in my dads car, so he couldn't drop Jakob at childminders for me, which means another days money wasted on that bloody childminder.

Got to hospital, they took my blood, my arm bled everywhere, i nearly fainted and she made me lay down with my legs up.

Sat for half an hour waiting for my glucose drink thing. Drank it then had to sit and not leave the area or eat and drink anything for 2 hours.

Took more blood and my blood went everywhere again.

Went to see consultant midwife. Turns out I have a urine infection, or thrush. Got swabs taken, had a quick scan done, heard heartbeat.

Had to wait around for ages to try and pee so they could send a sample off. Had me downing jugs of water, telling me to go get some food. But I couldn't afford to eat as the car parking was so expensive.

Finally managed to pee enough and literally ran out of the hospital, got to the machine 1 minute before my cost went up to £9!!!!!!!!! thank god. so i 'only' had to pay £8.

Driving home there was a fire down a road I had to go through, crowds of people, firemen and engines etc so i sat down that road for about an hour.

Finally got home to my dad crying. He recieved a letter from the hospital saying his cancer had spread.

I read the letter and I wasn't sure of the terms so i made him phone up and he has a doctors appointment monday, but from what i can tell the letter meant that he had cancer in the bits they cut out... not in the remaining bits.

So fingers crossed.

Will be hearing from Surrey soon

Well just phoned Surrey and the admissions staff told me they have recieved the interview notes from tutors today!

The definate unsuccessfuls will be contacted within the next week.

The definate offers will be given within the next month (but this wont be many people as they still have so many interviews)

and the maybes will all be left until they have conducted more interviews and will hear in the new year.

So if I don't hear in the next week that I have been unsuccessful (which I probably will) I'll have to wait till the new year! Which is long!

xxx

More interviews!

Rightio!

Friday, phoned Middlesex and asked how my application was doing? She asked if I had my UCAS ID handy and I was like 'yeh I know it off by heart' which she found amusing! They must think we're so desperate :p Anyway she checked on her computer and told me I had an interview!!!!!!!!! Said that they haven't sorted out dates yet which is why I haven't heard but as soon as they have the first date I'll get a letter.

Saturday went on a murder mystery evening with Ian. It was........ strange!!! lol not how I expected it at all. And everyone turned up in cocktail dresses and suits and there we were in jeans lol! Felt so out of place. But it was a fun night, and we guessed the murderer wrong! boo! And then I attempted to drive home in the middle of the night with the sky full of fog from fireworks plus it was pitch black... not fun! Oh and witnessed a massive car crash that took out a couple of garden walls and lamposts!!

This morning I took Jakob for an injection, I made my dad come and I was nearly crying. Jakobs bottom lip went and he was about to cry but then we distracted him with a toy and he started giggling and playing so can't have been that bad! lol.

Recieved an email from UCAS today saying my status had changed. I thought nooooo a uni hates me, but it turned out to be an interview invite from LSBU.

I have to be honest and say they are my back up, absolute last choice... so I'm not as nervous as I was about Surrey.

It takes about an hour and ahalf to get to the hospital from here which is why they are my last choice, but I shall go and see what happens. They have given me 5, yes FIVE days to prepare. Arghhh!!

Surrey Interview

I had my interview at Surrey today! What a sham!!!!!

Was up till about 2am trying to prepare and find all my relevent documents. Was then up at 6am getting ready.

My boyfriend took the morning off of work to come and give me moral support... and we left about 7am

Got to the uni about 8am, and that was with traffic as well! Got into the right building about 8.15 and there were already a few people there.

Met a couple of people that I had spoken to online, who were really nice and made me feel more relaxed about the day otherwise I would have probably been sat there in silence!

At 9 they gave us a quick talk about the day, followed by a maths and english exam. They were ok not too bad.

We were then given a presentation about the university and then called to the interviews.

There were 15 of us and most of us were talking while waiting to go in, and found out a couple of people live really close to me!

The interview was actually horrible. The worst part is that it was really simple questions they asked me... yet I still felt all panicky and tongue tied! I wasn't even nervous before the interview but as soon as I was sat in front of them I fell to pieces. Then when I tried to speak I could hear my voice shaking which made me feel even more nervous. A couple of times I nearly started tearing up as I just felt it was so hopeless. I must have been in there about 10 minutes but it felt like an hour.

They asked me about 4 questions and sat there staring at me when I answered. A couple of things I said they were like 'oh... really?' with a confused look like they either didn't believe or understand what i was saying. Also when I answered they were like 'yes... and?' and sort of acted like i hadn't actually answered the question properly. I also noticed them looking at my big baby bump and at one point I said something like 'yeh well I had my son last year' and they all looked down at my bump and back up at me like I was some sort of nymphomaniac.

After I answered about 4 or 5 questions they said something along the lines of 'let's finish it here shall we' or something and were quite negetive.

Also others were told today they did well in the maths and english exam but they didn't mention it to me so I'm guessing I didn't do great.

All in all looks like I'm not going to be going to Surrey next year! :(

Kings feedback

Today I phoned kings to ask for feedback why I wasn't offered an interview.

I need to know this information, sort of like closure from my first choice so I can concentrate on the others? Also so I can improve anything that wasn't good enough.

But I was suprised when she told me the feedback. First I was told it was lack of midwifery experience, but I am currently trying to sort out some experience with my local community midwives. Then she said that my personal statement didn't talk about current midwifery issues. I thought a personal statement was to sell YOURSELF  - your passion, your drive, your interests, your capability, your skills, your qualities, your experience. Not discuss things they already know about and that anyone can pick up a newspaper and read? So yes, I was quite surprised.

I was told if I'm lucky I may get an interview in the new year once they've interviewed all the best people. LOL.

When I hung up I was trying not to cry, but I've been thinking about it and I honestly believe it's their loss. I mean, I've got the highest score possible in everything on my access course, my tutor wrote a fab reference basically saying I'm an amazing student. I know I'm going to do bloody brilliant at uni - if they can't see that... if they don't understand my passion, skills, knowledge - potential! Then they are missing out on what will be one heck of a great midwife.

Feeling down

Well today just turned so crap.

I've been arguing, or more like trying to avoid arguing with my dad all day.

I decide to go and do some retail therapy as i had to get out of the house and need some clothes for interview on Thurs.

my friend comes over and we go out. I open the boot to get my sons pushchair out... and i've only gone and taken it out of my boot.

So I attempt to carry him to mothercare, but he's just too heavy at the moment with my big fat baby belly etc so my friend carries him for me.

When we get into mothercare I find the cheapest pram is the Jive, which is about £30 which is fine for a basic pushchair! Only problem is they have about 50 bright pink ones, and one left in greeny grey with dinosaurs which is more boy/neutral. And there's a lady already buying it.

Her son is about 6 years old and says he hates the pram and doesn't want to get in it and wants to walk. But the lady says 'yes I know I hate this pushchair too but its raning and your shoes will get wet.' WTF. Here I am with the fattest pregnancy belly, hobbling around trying to carry my big-for-his-size toddler saying how i havent got a pushchair and i really need one and she's worried about her sons shoes. At this point I want to slap her. She straps him in, and they walk off - her complaining about the nasty cheap pram and him crying his eyes out because he's not a baby and wants to walk.

Luckily they agree to sell me the display model (with no discount!) and we're on our way. So I think.. .things can only get better right? Nope the only place we found that does maternity clothes was mothercare and they had no 'smart' clothes. We went to other shops such as new look but apparently none of them had their maternity ranges in this town for some reason.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to keep my son from screaming as he was so bored of shopping whilst getting hot and sweaty and red faced trying on clothes that obviously don't fit me.

In the end i found a plain smart black dress and a cardigan. It looks not-so-bad from the front until i turn to the side and the fattest baby bump is sticking out :(. I really, really didn't want to look pregnant for my interview.

So I end up just wanting to go home, I had a whole list of stuff to buy which i suppose i will have to go out and attempt to buy tomorrow.

I really need a break, i need to get out of this house my dad is driving me crazy. Luckily I had a night planned with my friend, but she texts me as i'm getting ready to say she doesn't want to meet up. All we were going to do is chill and watch some tv or a movie or something, whilst our boyfriends go out together for the evening.

I get a phone call from her boyfriend apologising saying she's started acting really strange and is having weird moods and keeps going and spending loads of time at her parents house, and i'm just hoping she hasn't got PND but the baby blues. I have no idea as she wont let me come see her.

So now my boyfriend has gone out, I'm stuck here shut in our room upstairs keeping out of my dads way. We have no food whatsoever as we were going shopping tomorrow and i was planning to eat at my friends tonight. And I'm bloody starving.

Oh and all I keep seeing is people who have interviews at kings. I know I should be happy I have an interview at all, and some people don't even get that. But I just feel like a failure. I'm obviously not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, don't show enough potential. I don't know. I guess I'm doubting myself a lot at the moment. Would I even make a good midwife? What if mothers think I'm shit, and don't even trust me? My own dad doesn't even like me so why would strangers trust me with their safety and their precious babies?

I can't even find the motivation to prepare for my interview, I just feel like it's pointless, they're going to laugh at me as soon as i leave the interview room so why even bother. I'm not going to cancel the interview, as I will probably (hopefully) drum up some motivation before Thursday, but I'm not holding out any hope.

Kings dissapointment

So tonight I got a message from Kings College saying basically that I have got through the shortlisting process but I'm not good enough to have gotten an interview.

They are going to interview the good people first, then if there are spaces I may get an interview.

Cheers Kings, my now last choice. I can't believe I wanted to go to Kings so bad, when they treat people like crap.

I'm feeling pretty bitter about it, I'd rather them just tell me I'm shit and give me an unsuccessful than try and raise my hopes for up to months on end before telling me I suck.

First thing Monday morning I'm phoning them to ask for feedback on my application. I know they prefer A level students but come on! I have distinctions in every single module of my access course, PLUS I'm doing extra modules including extra biology modules which are all predicted at distinction too!

I guess I'm in a pretty bad mood as well as I'm trying to revise for my Surrey interview. I can't think of answers to so many questions that are likely to be asked, I can't get my head around maths, I can't find half the documents I need to take with me like AS level certificates and I have no clothes that fit me other than PJs. Oh and I have 5 days to sort it all out.

On a good note it was the 3rd birthday of my favourite website last night. We spent the evening running auctions and competitions to raise money for SANDS which was awesome, and I won a tshirt in the raffle! Yay! my auctions raised over £75 so I'm quite happy with that as it's my first time :).

Domestic abuse volunteering!

Yay! Over a year ago I tried to volunteer with a local domestic abuse charity. Their volunteers have loads of training in dealing with these women, councelling etc

Anyway they FINALLY have volunteer positions. I got an email today asking me to go for an induction next month :)

How great will that be for experience if I become a midwife and come across women suffering from domestic abuse/violence

I also have personal experience with this so I feel so empathetic with women that are going through it.

From my own experience, every time it happened... in a way it was good? Because afterwards he would be like truly the most loving, caring, attentive, amazing guy. Obviously it was guilt, but it felt good at the time... I felt loved. And when he hurt me in a way I sort of agreed with him? Like he'd make me feel like I deserved it... if you get me. The only people that knew what was going on thought I was crazy for not leaving but honestly, when you're going through it it really isn't as easy as that. Also sometimes there's the factor that you believe them when they say it's not going to happen again........ but unfortunately it always does :(

I still have a scar on my breast from where my ex put a cigarette out on it, and a scar from a scalpal down my side from when he sat on me and held me down and slowly cut down my body. But luckily most of the scars are mental, or "unseen" but a lot of women aren't so lucky.

Dohh

Feel like an idiot! Spent all day trying to get my head around GCSE maths, which you wouldn't think was too hard considering not so long ago I passed GCSE maths!!!! But now I have reread Surreys email and it turns out their maths test is KS2 maths, not GCSE arghhhhhhhhh so much simpler! All the example questions they've sent don't look too bad so I guess I'll get re-revising tomorrow!

Also a bit worried as on the list of stuff to take to the interview I have my passport & GCSE certificates but I don't have an NI card as i stupidly kept it in a purse that got stolen, can't find my AS certificates :(, can't find my birth certificate, no clue where my p60 is ...... and i need to get some passport pics done!

eek!

Surrey Open Day

So on Saturday I went to the open day at the University of Surrey.

First there was a big exibition hall with stands from all the different courses, they all had 2 or 3 staff members except midwifery who had 1. There was a big que of people trying to talk to her and ask questions, and a couple of people stood there asking her questions that they could have just looked on the leaflets we were given for the answers! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Questions like 'so what are the entry requirements?' when some of us had questions that COULDN'T be answered just by looking at the leaflets and prospectus.

So after around 40 minutes of standing there listening to her saying 'you need these grades' and 'it's a three year degree' we had to give up as it was time for the presentation talk.

We went there and it was a nurse giving the talk, and the talk was about adult nursing, child nursing, mental health nursing, paramedic practise, some operating thing and midwifery. Needless to say she talked a whole lot about nursing and not much about the other subjects. One positive from this though was it truly clarified in my mind that I could NEVER become a nurse. When she was talking about it it just honestly sounded like my worst nightmare.

I've always wanted to work in the health professions, but never, ever as a nurse.

We then got drenched in the pouring rain trying to go back to the exibition stand to see if the SOM was free to talk to us yet... but when we went there we found out the last tour to the stimulation suite was going to be leaving.

So we went there........ and it was awesome. They had a birthing doll that is electronic and pushes the baby out in different positions, granted it was broken and not the most advanced example i've seen of these types of dolls, but it was still fun to play with. They also had the resuscitaire and other cool things to play with, and we got a chance to ask the staff a few questions.

We were told that we would not even be considered for an interview without midwifery or NHS experience, so I said that I had been invited for an interview and I don't have experience with midwifery or the NHS. The lady seemed surprised and told me I better get some experience before the interview! I've got less than 10 days......... how on earth am I going to find experience so relevent!!!!!!!!! Eek!

Spent this morning phoning community midwives but no one is answering their phones........ good job I'm not in labour :S

I have an interview

I officially have an interview! I am SO happy, so excited, so NERVOUS.

It's for University of Surrey. And I'm going to their open day tomorrow as well so great timing!!!!!!!!!

They have literally given me 12 days to prepare! minus one day as i'll be out all day at the open day tomorrow. minus another day as thursday is studying-no-excuses day. minus another day as i volunteer all monday afternoon and all friday morning so that equals another day and a half.

So realistically I have 8.5 days to prepare!!!!!!!!! whilst doing a million other things like looking after my crazy toddler all day!

Wish me luck!!  I have a feeling I'm gonna need it ;)

xxx

Feeling poo

So my sons been ill this week, had to take him to the doctors and give a poo sample to the hospital! he's been vomitting a lot, runny poos, pale, hot, not eating, sleeping for hours on end even during the day.

He's started to perk up today but typical today I have been having pains myself, like achy period pains and a massive headache and my back hurts :( booo! Then I went to the toilet tonight and when I pulled down my knickers there was all blood in there... so it's lucky I have a midwife appointment tomorrow!

*Nearly* finished my psych essay today, spoke to my tutor and promised to send it off in the post tomorrow - oops! Better get cracking... all I really want is my bed though!

Still craving talcum powder, guess that's another thing to discuss with my midwife tomorrow.

Surrey uni

Today I recieved an email from Surrey University saying
'Your application is currently in short listing and we will be in contact with you shortly.'

yay!

ohh and I also got an email about their open day on Saturday :) I can't wait!

xxx

So frustrated

I hate this psychology work!

I've done all the biology modules, which was so much easier as it's all FACTS. I now have psychopathology, social interaction, biology health and disease and child development to do! they ard all psych modules, yes even bio h&d, and i hate it!

Well I love learning about it as it's sooo interesting but at the mo I'm meant to be writing an essay on abnormality! Sounds simple but we have criteria to fulfull to get good marks and i cannot fit it all into 2000 words! I keep asking for help from my tutor and he is really nice but he keeps saying that i am writing too much with too little information! I understand where he is coming from so am now redoing my essay in a condensed form..... but when i ask him things he says 'you have to look in your learning materials' um... where do you think i'm looking?!?! at the ceiling?! I wouldn't care but as I've said before my uni wants distinctions. Grrrrrrrrrrr

and behaviourism! What is that all about! I get all the other models of behaviour, like Freuds personality thingies and the humanistic approach and the medical model but this behaviourism thing is stupid!

Argh sorry just letting off steam.


Oh on a positive note I recieved a letter from Middlesex University yesterday dated 13/10/2010 saying that I will hear whether I have an interview within 2-4 weeks! Eek! That means any time from the 27th October - 10th November!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooooh I can't wait! Please please let me have an interview!

xxx

It's been a long time!

Oops! I forgot this blog existed! How exciting............. time for an update I guess!

1. My son turned 1 in May 2010...... a week later I found out I'm expecting again! I'm due another little boy at the end of Jan / begining of Feb 2011 :D

2. I completed Biology 1 of my access course with 5 distinctions. i then completed biology 2 of my access course with 2 distinctions. And then I got another distinction in statistics and research methods.

3. We moved out of our house and back into my dads house. He had a major op this summer and we're here trying to help him look after the house and our pets etc. I think he loves having Jakob here all the time!

4. We had our first family holiday this september in the canary islands, it was absolutely amazing :D I love my boys xxx

5. After my holiday I was made a moderator on a fab midwifery website which I love!

6. I finally finished a personal statement and sent my UCAS form off in September! Wish me luck

7. I got to go to Maternity services 2010 conference on behalf of website mentioned above! I am currently writing an article about the day which is fun! but I keep having to cut it down as I write too much hehe

8. Earlier in this blog I mentioned my friend was 7 weeks pregnant. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girlie last week on 10/10/10 :D

That's all I can think of right now

I'm going to seriously try and not to forget this blog in future hehe so keep posted

xxx

rubbish time

Well it's been a hectic week or two... I haven't even looked at my coursework!

I recieved my marks for my first biology assignment - merit not distinction! poo! my 1st choice university needs distinctions throughout. I need to step up my game.. I have spoken to my tutor and all it was was that I didn't put a bibliography at the end. I explained that I didn't think we needed it for general questions I thought it was just for essays and reports! So I may be able to just add it at the end?

As I said... not a good couple of weeks. My dad was taken to the hospital for more tests to see if his latest treatment had worked but there were more lumps, which they have taken bits from to test. So we just need to wait for another appointment date to go find out what is going on! He might have to have an opperation to remove all his bladder and everything! Arhg don't really want to think about it. I also found out my car had FOUR flat tyres and got a lecture from the guy in the garage for ages :( .. went swimming left my bank card there.. someone tried to use it.. nearly got a parking ticket for waiting outside the leisue center while ian ran in and grabbed it for me. Then me and Jakob got a cold (think it was from the cold pool ;() Jakob keeps throwing up I woke up this morning there was like well it looked like poo all down him but smelt of sick... this has never happened to my baby I'm really worried :(

On a better note me and Jakob saw a friend of mine have acupuncture ... Jakob looked panicked and kept trying to climb up on the table lol bless him I think he was trying to save her.

Today is rubbish.... it's Jakobs first day at a childminder and I'm trying not to cry!!! I just feel like I'm betraying him and he's going to hate me and stuff it's so strange. We decided to take him once a week as I'm falling so behind on my work so this gives me 4/5 hours on a thursday morning to try and get as much done as possible!! lol thought some people I know doing the course are doing at least that much EVERYDAY.. and I have extra modules to do :( and it all has to be distinctions :(

ARRRRGH xxx

Comms Distinctions!

Well I found out that the job I applied for got taken down the day after I stayed up late to apply. Thank God!!! I was so tempted to go to bed and leave it for another day too! I can't believe it went down nearly 4 weeks early, it was only up a couple of days. I'm always scouting NHS Jobs and have never caught one go on then offline so fast.. imagine how many people must have replied!!!

Well.... My tutor phoned... I got two distinctions for my first module... top marks.... an 'excellent' student.. apparently. Well we will see as time goes by but she said some very lovely things... kept going on about how well I would do at uni etc she is so lovely it's a shame she takes so long to mark! lol but yep.. definately happy with my distinctions. Now I just need to get cracking with some more :s

Struggling with bio unit 5... It's always time time timeee. I keep putting off phoning a childminder as I don't want to let go of my baby boy. Even for one afternoon a week. I may have to soon though, picked up my dad from the hospital today with what looks like bad results but we will know more in two weeks. However he may need a life changing operation and even so more chemo and radiotherepy etc... not good ... he loves seeing Jakob but soon I wont be able to leave them on their own he won't be well enough... so that's less time to study. Yes.. really need to phone a childminder soon,...

xxx

Applied for a job!

So... I'm tired. I stayed up late last night applying for a job on the NHS website. As a midwifery assistant. How amazing would it be to get that job! You don't have to be qualified as it's just an assistant.. so I bet there will be a LOT of interest. Plus it's the only 'midwifery assistant' job on the whole of NHS jobs at the moment... so... I doubt I will hear anything back :(

I am meant to be writing about the endocrine organs at the moment.. and it's a shame because it's lovely and sunny outside and the living room where I am doing my work is at the back of the house where there isn't as much sun and when I just went to put Jakob for a nap in his room all the sunlight was flooding in and I was tempted to switch all the furniture and turn his room into the living room before Ian comes home from work today LOL.

Well I have been emailed THREE different people from my course and have yet to get a reply from ANY of them... and I need to know what is happening and when any of my work will get marked!!

unit 4 COMPLETE

So I'm in a grumpy mood tonight!
it doesn't help that I am still waiting for my communications marks from my tutor and really worried about my result. Turnaround is meant to be around 2 weeks.. it's been nearly 3 months :(

It ALSO doesn't help that a couple of days ago I found out my friend actually may be having an ectopic pregnancy, she has to go to the hospital for a scan to find out.

On a good note...... I finished biology unit 4 need to move on to unit 5 quite swiftly but my printer has run out of ink and I don't fancy reading a 16 page PDF on the endocrine system written in tiny font on my computer! My eyesight is disintergrating enough already :p

Jealous? Me? Never!

Well what can I say..... I'm jealous. Really really jealous.
I really wanted to apply for 2010 but I wasn't sure I could get my access course finished by June and didn't want to push myself that hard! As well as gaining some relevent experience, working on my personal statement, looking after Jakob and Ian, trying to keep the house clean and tidy (LOL)... nope I would never have been able to do it.
But still it sucks, I'm happy - really happy for everyone who has gained a place for 2010 but still when I see them all excited about the equipment they can go out and buy now, books, meeting the other girls in their cohort... arghh I have to wait a whole year for this... and that's even if I manage to get a place for 2011 :(
I know all I can do is try... and to try and make myself a more rounded person I have applied to volunteer for a domestic violence charity and a bearevement (spelling?) charity to befriend women who have suffered abuse.. and to help + listen to people who have suffered a loss.
To be honest I think this would give me great experience if I get either place, not just for midwifery but for life! and would be a lovely thing to do.

I am seriously falling behind on DLC work - uh oh! and have contacted a couple of local childminders to see if they could take Jakob maybe one day a week? depends on costs really. Then I can spend the whole day studying. As even on Ians days off he doesn't usually spend more than an hour with Jakob if I'm not around

Today is the first day I am attempting to do some work while Jakob naps. He usually has a nap from 10am-11.30am and from about 1.30-3pm but now his later nap is all messed up as I've changed his food routines so we will see what happens then. But right now it is 10am and I need to try and restrain from running around trying to clean and tidy and just ignore the messy house and get some work done!!!

xxx

Women's bodies have near perfect knowledge of childbirth; it's when their brains get involved that things can go wrong!

~Peggy Vincent (Baby catcher)~

News!

Last night I saw an old friend I haven't seen in a while. I think our lives have just caught up with us... me with having Jakob and renting a house with Ian, then starting the access course. Her with getting engaged moving into a flat with her fiance. She told me she had news.
I went round there with a couple of other friends I haven't seen in a while, and she confirmed what we had all guessed - she's pregnant! About 7 weeks apparently.
It sounds weird to say it but I'm worried about her. She's never really thought of pregnancy as a positive experience.. she loves babies! But not the pregnancy part. Her mum I believe has always told her how horrible and painful it is, that you have to be drugged up and it's the worst experience ever!
When I was pregnant she laughed at me doing my hypnobirthing and planning a home water birth. I know I'd never convince her to do any of that but I just wish I could make her see what a natural beautiful thing childbirth is!
What is it that Dr Grantly Dick Read (spelling?!) said... a women in a less medicalised country was giving birth. and... damn I've forgotten it.... but it was so inspiring... basically saying she didn't understand why childbirth would be painful.... because she hadn't been exposed to all these people badmouthing birth, turning into some sort of medical illness!!! argh makes me angry.. Let me find what he said..

ah this silly blog won't let me 'paste' - i will work it out later!!!!

Anyway my missions for this year:
-complete access course
-volunteer for domestic abuse charity
-sit in ante natal classes somewhere :)
-persuade an independant midwife to let me shadow her
-take an extra short course (e.g. counselling, massage etc) if finish the access in time :)
-apply for universities
-help my friend believe in herself, her baby and her body.

What made me choose midwifery?

Just thought I'd explain my passion for midwifery a bit. It's all basically stemmed from my own experience of having a baby. Here's some info on my background to help get an idea:


When I was in college I messed up my A Levels and quit. I worked in retail for a while but decided to try and sort my life out.

I applied for Kingston College to redo my A Levels when I was 19, Biology, Psychology, English Language + sociology.

Not long before I was due to start I found out I was pregnant. It felt like my world came crashing down around me. I had quit my job to start college.. to sort out my life. And now I didn't want to go to college! If I had a baby it would be due about a month before my exams... how could I revise and concentrate with a newborn baby keeping me up all night. I turned down my place.

I didn't do much throughout my pregnancy, I suppose people didn't want to hire somebody who would work for 5 months and then take time off for a baby? I moped around eating.. gained over 3 stone...

The worst memory of my pregnancy unfortunately were the midwives. I was made to feel like I was in their way, annoying them... like me and my baby were a waste of time.

There was one incident where I was bleeding, and hadn't felt my baby move in a couple of days... I won't go into detail or mention the hospital I was at but they basically left me in a dirty room in the delivery suit, with another womens blood on the floor thinking my baby had died inside me. Around 6 hours later I got a 'whoops there he is! haha' and told to go back home.

I was terrified of giving birth there after that and took a course of hypnobirthing sessions which I found truly amazing. I had a wonderful teacher called Christine Hall - for anyone pregnant and thinking of doing it please contact her she is lovely and supportive and just what I needed when I decided there was no way I was going back into that hospital and planned a home birth!

I found out about a week before I was due my baby was breech.. he had been all along but nobody noticed until a male student midwife told the senior midwives, 'um actually I'm sure he's breech, look feel here...'

I was conviced to have a C section. I was told my baby's body would come out and his head would get stuck and he would suffocate and die, among other things. I went home crying and spent most of my time crying until a week later when he was cut out of me at 10.13am on 05/05/2009 weighing 6lbs 15oz.

I knew at that moment that I shouldn't have believed them. I knew I could have given birth to him, breech or not. I believed in my body but ultimately I let myself down because of them.

I was sewn up and taken to the post natal wards, hugging my baby in bed. They tried to take him away and put him in a plastic cot by my bed... why couldn't I hug him? Oh, because I may suffocate him..again. They seem obsessed with suffocation!

That night I lay awake hearing other women in beds near me crying and the midwives getting irritable with them. I started crying myself and ended up crying most of the night for the next 3 days I was there.

I wanted to breastfeed so badly.. I had no idea what to do... the midwives walked off and I fell asleep because of the drugs I suppose. I woke up about 4 hours later and a midwife started shouting at me for my feeding my baby. I told her, with tears running down my face that I didn't know how to do it... I was 19, with my first baby and no support. She looked like she wanted to slap me. She took my son and pushed him against my chest. I sat there confused. That was the extent of the help I got regards to breastfeeding. Every couple of hours all I heard was 'shall we top him up with formula?'

They said they couldn't let me out of hospital until either I was happily breastfeeding or formula feeding. After 3 days I actually would rather have died than been there any longer and told them he was feeding well.

The first thing I did when leaving the hospital was buy an electric breast pump and bottles. For 2 weeks I had a breast pump attatched to me every 2 hours, including through the night.

In the end my partner Ian made me stop. I sat around pumping and crying. It was painful, I don't know why it didn't work properly. Maybe I'm just stupid. I gave him as much breastmilk I could before switching to formula. Ian could see how down and stressed I was and in the end it was the best thing for me to quit!

This has been a long.... long story. It's just my opinion on how I believe the midwives at the hospital I was in let me down.

It sounds strange but this is the reason I started on my midwifery journey.

when my son was 2 months old I applied to an evening access course, but didn't get a place.

In October 2009 I started with the DLC - distance learning center... which means I can do my access to midwifery course at home whilst looking after Jakob.

It's hard, it's really really hard... and it will take a while... but I do believe I will get there in the end!

The start of it all..

Right so, I have blogs floating around all over the place... and journals... and diarys... and photo albums... you name it! I adore writing and trying to make memories... as my own memory sucks! lol
The problem is, I ususally give up after about 6 posts!

This.... this one I will KEEP writing... even if nobody cares or bothers to read... EVER.

I'm so far away from my dream right now but I WILL make it happen...

and maybe one day when I have succeded other wannabe midwives will look to this blog to give them insight!

Love Charlotte
xxx