Wow. I cannot believe I'm 1/3 through the first year.
I haven't been on here as there has just been so much going on.
University has been crazy, I struggle with how hard the work is and how much work there is. I've completed a group presentation (got an A) and did an online exam which was quite easy. But then had to submit a piece of work about midwifery evidence and research etc which I think I did ok in. Which kinda makes it worse because I'm going to be really disappointed if I do bad. I keep having reoccurring nightmares I miss a pass by 2%. The worst part is I won't find out till Feb/March time what my result is.
I also have two essays on the go. Which I feel like I'm doing awfully - so I guess at least the expectation isn't there but still :(
I'm also meant to be revising for a biology exam in a couple of weeks, not sure how I can revise when I feel that I never actually learnt or understood any of it in the first place. I feel so stupid.
My dad is really ill. Like really. He had his bladder removed last year and recently his urostomy bag has been filling with blood. So he had some tests and he has kidney cancer. So all that for what he feels was nothing in the end. If it comes to it I'm going to try and get tested and if a match donate my kidney - but I'm not sure how that will affect university. After this he was diagnosed with severe heart failure. They said there's less than 50% chance he'll live a year. Then yesterday he was taken to hospital with pneumonia and said they will try and arrange him to come home for Christmas day but no guarantees.
The thing is, you see - I live with my dad. We pay him rent and live with him. He's a massive part of our lives and sometimes we hate each other we're so similar and argue all the time, but at the end of the day he's my dad and I need him. I'm seriously on the edge of breaking and I don't know how I've been hanging on with one thing after another recently. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm not a person who copes well at the best of times. Every day I cry, I want to hurt myself, I don't want to eat, my partner is forcing me through and my kids unbeknownst to them are helping me through too. It's ironically hilarious how distressed I am right now, when I'm not even the one that's ill.
So as well as uni I've been working in the community, I do one day a week in an antenatal clinic and one day doing postnatal visits. I love the clinic although I seem to be in a minority. Postnatal visits scare me a little just because I feel like an intruder in somebodies house etc. Plus it's exhausting driving all over the city trying to get so many women fitted in in one day, and you still end up with about 10 women who are 'must sees' but you've literally run out of the day and cannot see them :(
After Christmas I'm on postnatal ward and I'm terrified. In community I get away with long sleeves and in the hospital everyone will see my scars, and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with that yet.
