Wow. I cannot believe I'm 1/3 through the first year.
I haven't been on here as there has just been so much going on.
University has been crazy, I struggle with how hard the work is and how much work there is. I've completed a group presentation (got an A) and did an online exam which was quite easy. But then had to submit a piece of work about midwifery evidence and research etc which I think I did ok in. Which kinda makes it worse because I'm going to be really disappointed if I do bad. I keep having reoccurring nightmares I miss a pass by 2%. The worst part is I won't find out till Feb/March time what my result is.
I also have two essays on the go. Which I feel like I'm doing awfully - so I guess at least the expectation isn't there but still :(
I'm also meant to be revising for a biology exam in a couple of weeks, not sure how I can revise when I feel that I never actually learnt or understood any of it in the first place. I feel so stupid.
My dad is really ill. Like really. He had his bladder removed last year and recently his urostomy bag has been filling with blood. So he had some tests and he has kidney cancer. So all that for what he feels was nothing in the end. If it comes to it I'm going to try and get tested and if a match donate my kidney - but I'm not sure how that will affect university. After this he was diagnosed with severe heart failure. They said there's less than 50% chance he'll live a year. Then yesterday he was taken to hospital with pneumonia and said they will try and arrange him to come home for Christmas day but no guarantees.
The thing is, you see - I live with my dad. We pay him rent and live with him. He's a massive part of our lives and sometimes we hate each other we're so similar and argue all the time, but at the end of the day he's my dad and I need him. I'm seriously on the edge of breaking and I don't know how I've been hanging on with one thing after another recently. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm not a person who copes well at the best of times. Every day I cry, I want to hurt myself, I don't want to eat, my partner is forcing me through and my kids unbeknownst to them are helping me through too. It's ironically hilarious how distressed I am right now, when I'm not even the one that's ill.
So as well as uni I've been working in the community, I do one day a week in an antenatal clinic and one day doing postnatal visits. I love the clinic although I seem to be in a minority. Postnatal visits scare me a little just because I feel like an intruder in somebodies house etc. Plus it's exhausting driving all over the city trying to get so many women fitted in in one day, and you still end up with about 10 women who are 'must sees' but you've literally run out of the day and cannot see them :(
After Christmas I'm on postnatal ward and I'm terrified. In community I get away with long sleeves and in the hospital everyone will see my scars, and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with that yet.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
Second trust induction
We had another trust induction today. Apparently it was for midwives as well as ther nurses - but they just talked about nursy things and then turned to us and went 'oh and you guys too maybe'. They even discussed things that 1. happen in a hospital with no maternity section which none of us will be at and 2. that happen on days and times we're in lectures.... so obviously aimed at nurses, even though apparently it was for us all.
We had a big talk about toasters. One strike and you're out. Do not put sausages or bacon in the toaster. Do not put cheese on the bread and turn the toaster on it's side to make cheese on toast. Don't open the door when the toaster is on. Don't leave the toaster unnattended. Don't put thick sliced bread in the toaster. If you use bread that doesn't come sliced already, neatly cut the bread to fit in the toaster. If we break any toaster rules the toaster will be taken away.
We were then split into groups. The midwives had 3 hours of nothing before the next session. Thanks. I worked it out so I could get my train in time to pick up J from preschool, andI kept thinking about it thinking yes I can do it! I haven't been ableto do it since I started uni, and I was sooo excited seeing his little face light up. But my train came early and I missed it. In the last 10 years or so of me getting the train, I don't remember it once coming early. The one time I needed it not to come early it left at 44 past instead of 48 past. So I bought lunch and sat in the park.
I spoke to my boyfriend to tell him that I wouldn't be picking J up after all, and then the tears came. As soon as I said it out loud I realised how angry I was. That I had gotten my hopes up. That they had given us a bloody 3 hour break in the first place. 3 hours I could be spending time with my babies.
So I tried to phone my mentor about placement tomorrow and she didn't answer. I phoned a few times, no answer - left a voicemail. Then she turned her phone off and it hasn't come back on yet.
So 3 hours later we went for the other training session. It was about 15 minutes on 'this is how you open the cubhoard when getting gloves etc'. Then we were told actually we could have done it in January. Thanks. So I could have seen my family, could have picked J up from school - seen his face light up and run across the hall to see me. But no - I sat in a cold park for 3 hours, was told how to open a cabinet and then told I didn't actually need this information.
So this evening, I have still been trying to contact my mentor, her phone is still off. Contacted the lady in charge of placements who told me to just turn up at the hospital tomorrow (even though I don't know if my mentor will be there, or where, or when) and I emailed her to ask what time but no reply.
Getting so fed up with disorganisation all over the place. Just sort it out already.
We had a big talk about toasters. One strike and you're out. Do not put sausages or bacon in the toaster. Do not put cheese on the bread and turn the toaster on it's side to make cheese on toast. Don't open the door when the toaster is on. Don't leave the toaster unnattended. Don't put thick sliced bread in the toaster. If you use bread that doesn't come sliced already, neatly cut the bread to fit in the toaster. If we break any toaster rules the toaster will be taken away.
We were then split into groups. The midwives had 3 hours of nothing before the next session. Thanks. I worked it out so I could get my train in time to pick up J from preschool, andI kept thinking about it thinking yes I can do it! I haven't been ableto do it since I started uni, and I was sooo excited seeing his little face light up. But my train came early and I missed it. In the last 10 years or so of me getting the train, I don't remember it once coming early. The one time I needed it not to come early it left at 44 past instead of 48 past. So I bought lunch and sat in the park.
I spoke to my boyfriend to tell him that I wouldn't be picking J up after all, and then the tears came. As soon as I said it out loud I realised how angry I was. That I had gotten my hopes up. That they had given us a bloody 3 hour break in the first place. 3 hours I could be spending time with my babies.
So I tried to phone my mentor about placement tomorrow and she didn't answer. I phoned a few times, no answer - left a voicemail. Then she turned her phone off and it hasn't come back on yet.
So 3 hours later we went for the other training session. It was about 15 minutes on 'this is how you open the cubhoard when getting gloves etc'. Then we were told actually we could have done it in January. Thanks. So I could have seen my family, could have picked J up from school - seen his face light up and run across the hall to see me. But no - I sat in a cold park for 3 hours, was told how to open a cabinet and then told I didn't actually need this information.
So this evening, I have still been trying to contact my mentor, her phone is still off. Contacted the lady in charge of placements who told me to just turn up at the hospital tomorrow (even though I don't know if my mentor will be there, or where, or when) and I emailed her to ask what time but no reply.
Getting so fed up with disorganisation all over the place. Just sort it out already.
Monday, 10 October 2011
Third Week & my first placement experience
So third week was great, I went in early for our biology lecture for an extra optional session as I'm really struggling to fit in studying at all when at home? By the time I get home, eat something, get the kids to bed it's nearly 9pm- and I need SOME rest time.? How the hell do people do it?
So we did temperature, pulse, respiration in our clinical skills session... learnt more female bits andbobs for biology, had a meeting with a lady from the RCM but I'm already subscribed so wasn't all that helpful for me.
Today, the start of our 4th week was our trust induction. Didn't start until the afternoon but I spoke to my mentor at the weekend who asked me to come in at 9am. When I got there she decided to take me for some postnatal visits in the community as a taster. She apologised for it being 'boring routine stuff' but I'm NEW it's ALL exciting to me!!!!
So the first family baby was 5 days old I believe. We did the heel prick test, baby was NOT impressed as expected lol. The parents were exhausted, bless them and hadn't slept at all that night. Mum tried to get baby to breast but she just got frantic and kept pulling away - really reminded me of my first attempts at breastfeeding actually. Baby had only lost a tiny amount of weight and was being mix fed, but mum really wanted to breastfeed - so was given some advice, and planning on going to breastfeeding drop in place during the week. She mentioned a lactation consultant that had given her friend advice, but the advice was very strange, and she was advised not to hire her lol.
The second baby was just to weigh her. The mother was arabic and couldn't understand us, and we couldn't understand her. The baby was fine and gaining weight - but it was a very interesting visit!
The third baby was just another weigh in, mentor offered me to weigh her but I chickened out and now feel annoyed with myself. The family were Indian and there were quite a few of them, and then the father started bringing us Indian sweet food and it would have been offensive to say no, so we took it with us when we left. Very strange, oily and sweet.
Driving to the next house and we got a call for an urgant visit, luckily just down the road. Went in and it was a baby who had lost 20% of birthweight at last visit, 15 days old. Mother refused to bring her to the hospital. Determined to breastfeed but not latching whatsoever, mouth just hanging open at the breast. Mum was 'finger feeding' and I completely forgot to ask my mentor what that means, note to self: must look it up. Luckily baby had gained a little weight though and mum was referred to a specialised about tongue tie.
Last visit before I had to get back to the hospital for my trust induction, a flying visit to a portugese lady who once again didn't speak much English. They lived in a tiny flat above a shop, with the parents double bed, the school age daughters single bed, an older babies cot and the newborns moses basket all in one bedroom. Weighed baby and she was fine, gaining weight. Slightly constipated - apparently due to formula?
So what did I learn this morning?
Left about 7am and got home about 6.30pm today so longest day yet and only saw my little boys for less than an hour, so today was really hard for me.
So we did temperature, pulse, respiration in our clinical skills session... learnt more female bits andbobs for biology, had a meeting with a lady from the RCM but I'm already subscribed so wasn't all that helpful for me.
Today, the start of our 4th week was our trust induction. Didn't start until the afternoon but I spoke to my mentor at the weekend who asked me to come in at 9am. When I got there she decided to take me for some postnatal visits in the community as a taster. She apologised for it being 'boring routine stuff' but I'm NEW it's ALL exciting to me!!!!
So the first family baby was 5 days old I believe. We did the heel prick test, baby was NOT impressed as expected lol. The parents were exhausted, bless them and hadn't slept at all that night. Mum tried to get baby to breast but she just got frantic and kept pulling away - really reminded me of my first attempts at breastfeeding actually. Baby had only lost a tiny amount of weight and was being mix fed, but mum really wanted to breastfeed - so was given some advice, and planning on going to breastfeeding drop in place during the week. She mentioned a lactation consultant that had given her friend advice, but the advice was very strange, and she was advised not to hire her lol.
The second baby was just to weigh her. The mother was arabic and couldn't understand us, and we couldn't understand her. The baby was fine and gaining weight - but it was a very interesting visit!
The third baby was just another weigh in, mentor offered me to weigh her but I chickened out and now feel annoyed with myself. The family were Indian and there were quite a few of them, and then the father started bringing us Indian sweet food and it would have been offensive to say no, so we took it with us when we left. Very strange, oily and sweet.
Driving to the next house and we got a call for an urgant visit, luckily just down the road. Went in and it was a baby who had lost 20% of birthweight at last visit, 15 days old. Mother refused to bring her to the hospital. Determined to breastfeed but not latching whatsoever, mouth just hanging open at the breast. Mum was 'finger feeding' and I completely forgot to ask my mentor what that means, note to self: must look it up. Luckily baby had gained a little weight though and mum was referred to a specialised about tongue tie.
Last visit before I had to get back to the hospital for my trust induction, a flying visit to a portugese lady who once again didn't speak much English. They lived in a tiny flat above a shop, with the parents double bed, the school age daughters single bed, an older babies cot and the newborns moses basket all in one bedroom. Weighed baby and she was fine, gaining weight. Slightly constipated - apparently due to formula?
So what did I learn this morning?
- That there are a LOT of baby girls in our community area lol
- Apparently there's a girls name that happens to be really popular right now
- Mixed feeding is a lot more common than I thought, all the mums were mixed feeding apart from one (the finger feeding lady) who was seriously determined to breastfeed.
- In roads apart some flats are bigger than my house, and some are smaller than my living room.
- There are a LOT of different cultures and languages in our community area, apparently we often won't be able to understand people and have to gesture with our hands etc.
Left about 7am and got home about 6.30pm today so longest day yet and only saw my little boys for less than an hour, so today was really hard for me.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Week two of university
I've been deleting some old posts so don't be suprised if anyone sees them dissapear. I was going to stop writing after the first week but I love it so much I could burst and I want to write it so I'm gonna (just a bit more breifly than week one ;)). Again I'll keep updating throughout the week.
So Monday morning we had a lecture about research which was actually really interesting. I can't even remember what we did after that. I'm exhausted.
In the afternoon we were seperated into our hospital trust groups, but we were with nursing students and the whole talk was really aimed at them - so we didn't find out anything much other than the history of the hospital lol.
Tuesday we had the morning lectures on the baby friendly initiative and breastfeeding.
Sat by the river eating our lunch in the sunshine, which was lovely.
The afternoon we found out our placements for the year (which I am IMMENSELY excited about, I am SO happy with my year 1 placements), then we learnt about reflection and had to reflect on situations etc.
Wednesday was a half day. Midwifery lecture about communication and reflection. We got our first assignment - a 2500 reflective essay that I do not understand whatsoever. And I seem to be the only one totally and utterly confused.
Thursday we had our first biology lecture which was FABULOUS I absolutely loved it. The cervix does make me a bit queasy though- that cannot be a good thing?!
In the afternoon we had a session about research and evidence and got our second assignment - that I sort of understand, about searching for relevant up to date evidence.
Spent the evening trying to learn more about the internal female reproductive organs, but I think it's going to take a bit more to get it all to stick in my head.
Friday morning was our introductory practice session. In future Fridays will be practising our clinical skills and learning about the theories that underpin them. Ahhh sticking needles in grapefruits here I come!
In the afternoon we had a session with a physiotherapist learning to lift things correctly etc - however half of us were sent home for not wearing trousers and trainers.. in a heatwave. So we have to redo it another day now. We were told last week, but nearly everyone cannot remember being told - including me.
So Monday morning we had a lecture about research which was actually really interesting. I can't even remember what we did after that. I'm exhausted.
In the afternoon we were seperated into our hospital trust groups, but we were with nursing students and the whole talk was really aimed at them - so we didn't find out anything much other than the history of the hospital lol.
Tuesday we had the morning lectures on the baby friendly initiative and breastfeeding.
Sat by the river eating our lunch in the sunshine, which was lovely.
The afternoon we found out our placements for the year (which I am IMMENSELY excited about, I am SO happy with my year 1 placements), then we learnt about reflection and had to reflect on situations etc.
Wednesday was a half day. Midwifery lecture about communication and reflection. We got our first assignment - a 2500 reflective essay that I do not understand whatsoever. And I seem to be the only one totally and utterly confused.
Thursday we had our first biology lecture which was FABULOUS I absolutely loved it. The cervix does make me a bit queasy though- that cannot be a good thing?!
In the afternoon we had a session about research and evidence and got our second assignment - that I sort of understand, about searching for relevant up to date evidence.
Spent the evening trying to learn more about the internal female reproductive organs, but I think it's going to take a bit more to get it all to stick in my head.
Friday morning was our introductory practice session. In future Fridays will be practising our clinical skills and learning about the theories that underpin them. Ahhh sticking needles in grapefruits here I come!
In the afternoon we had a session with a physiotherapist learning to lift things correctly etc - however half of us were sent home for not wearing trousers and trainers.. in a heatwave. So we have to redo it another day now. We were told last week, but nearly everyone cannot remember being told - including me.
Monday, 19 September 2011
My first week at university.
So I think I'll add bits as the week goes on, rather than keep posting.
Monday
8.30am: A group of us from my cohort arranged to meet at the train station early this morning, there were like 20 of us standing by the coffee shop! lol.
9.25am: The 'talk' started. There were around 300 of us in the lecture hall! We were in with adult, child and mental health nursing and the talk was actually quite nursing based and all the usual 'welcome to our uni' stuff. They basically repeated all the info from the open day, selection day, website, prospectus, offer letters etc lol so I was pretty much falling asleep.
11am: The midwives were seperated from the nurses. There were nearly 100 of us midwives! I think we're the biggest cohort in the UK. We got a more midwifery focused talk which was lovely and I think most of us then felt a bit more 'into it'. We were then given out our information packs and because there were so many of us we got allocated slots for enrolling and measured for our uniforms. My slot was the last slot of the day, which had me nearly in tears - just the fact that I had to sit around for 3 hours doing nothing whereas if I had had an earlier slot I could have come home and seen my babies. But you just gotta suck it up I guess.
12am/pm? I never know which one 12 midday is. Had lunch, sat with a few midwives I had already met who are all lovely so that was fine, we sat and chatted and it was a nice break actually.
3pm: Went to enrol. I used a random snapshot of me and cut my head out and put it on a white background on photoshop. The lady who was enrolling me laughed and said it was a great pictures and showed it to her colleages - how embaressing lol! Then we collected our ID cards.
3.30pm: Checked out the library and the building in general as we had not bothered going on the campus tours.
4pm: went into our uniform fitting (we snuck in early as we all wanted to go home early lol). The uniforms were tiny, a couple of people had to go up 4-5 dress sizes! I was lucky I only went up 1-2 sizes haha. Actually as I'm typing this I've just realised that I ordered the wrong uniform. Pants. I wanted 3 tunics and 1 dress. But I think I accidently said more dresses. Argh!
4.45pm: got on the train, and then the bus home. The bus was free as I don't have a travelcard yet and I only had a £10 note and the driver didn't have change, woohoo!
5.30pm: Legged it from the bus stop to my house to see my babies!
Tuesday
11am: We found out our placement hospitals. I was so immensely grateful to have been allocated my first choice hospital. Some people got their FOURTH choice, so as I said, I cannot express how relieved I feel knowing I got where I want to be. After this we had 'ice breakers' answering questions at the front of the room like 'what did you do before this?'. Had a huge talk on the NMC - which means I'm now going to be deleting a lot of old blog posts and probably wont ever post anything very interesting.
2pm: More talks about the course, recieved our handbooks etc. Not much else to report. Missed my kids loads, nearly cried again.
5.45pm: Got home, and managed to jog instead of run from the bus stop today to see them lol.
Wednesday:
8.30am: Getting ready to leave. Weird, emotional day today as my boyfriend had his last day at work yesterday and from today has become a stay at home daddy for our children, so that I can go to uni to persue my dreams!
10am: Collected our folder with our clinical skills information for the year from the admin building then had to walk to the uni campus
11am: Two hours of watching birth videos and discussing what we were watching, which was really interesting. Sure, I've seen a billion birth videos but they never get old, and I nearly always tear up. I found the following discussions more interesting than the videos themselves. I completely respect other peoples opinions, but I have to admit I was actually surprised how different many opinions were... I quite naively thought 'hey, we're all going into the same thing, we probably all have the same opinions'... well that is very much NOT the case and I guess I will have to get used to that.
2.30pm: Arrived home, as wednesday is half day. Managed to walk from the bus today rather than running or jogging. Was weird arriving home to my boyfriend, who had tidied, cleaned, hoovered, and then tonight made me a packed lunch for the morning? Very strange behaviour...
Thursday
9.30am arrived nice and early to have another talk about rules and conduct - social networking, plagerism etc etc.
11am 2 hour talk about health and safety, moving and handling, back care etc.
1.30pm Got the train home, we finished early! Yay. Went to meet my family to spend the afternoon out together in the sunshine, make the most of our free time before my real work load begins.
Monday
8.30am: A group of us from my cohort arranged to meet at the train station early this morning, there were like 20 of us standing by the coffee shop! lol.
9.25am: The 'talk' started. There were around 300 of us in the lecture hall! We were in with adult, child and mental health nursing and the talk was actually quite nursing based and all the usual 'welcome to our uni' stuff. They basically repeated all the info from the open day, selection day, website, prospectus, offer letters etc lol so I was pretty much falling asleep.
11am: The midwives were seperated from the nurses. There were nearly 100 of us midwives! I think we're the biggest cohort in the UK. We got a more midwifery focused talk which was lovely and I think most of us then felt a bit more 'into it'. We were then given out our information packs and because there were so many of us we got allocated slots for enrolling and measured for our uniforms. My slot was the last slot of the day, which had me nearly in tears - just the fact that I had to sit around for 3 hours doing nothing whereas if I had had an earlier slot I could have come home and seen my babies. But you just gotta suck it up I guess.
12am/pm? I never know which one 12 midday is. Had lunch, sat with a few midwives I had already met who are all lovely so that was fine, we sat and chatted and it was a nice break actually.
3pm: Went to enrol. I used a random snapshot of me and cut my head out and put it on a white background on photoshop. The lady who was enrolling me laughed and said it was a great pictures and showed it to her colleages - how embaressing lol! Then we collected our ID cards.
3.30pm: Checked out the library and the building in general as we had not bothered going on the campus tours.
4pm: went into our uniform fitting (we snuck in early as we all wanted to go home early lol). The uniforms were tiny, a couple of people had to go up 4-5 dress sizes! I was lucky I only went up 1-2 sizes haha. Actually as I'm typing this I've just realised that I ordered the wrong uniform. Pants. I wanted 3 tunics and 1 dress. But I think I accidently said more dresses. Argh!
4.45pm: got on the train, and then the bus home. The bus was free as I don't have a travelcard yet and I only had a £10 note and the driver didn't have change, woohoo!
5.30pm: Legged it from the bus stop to my house to see my babies!
Tuesday
11am: We found out our placement hospitals. I was so immensely grateful to have been allocated my first choice hospital. Some people got their FOURTH choice, so as I said, I cannot express how relieved I feel knowing I got where I want to be. After this we had 'ice breakers' answering questions at the front of the room like 'what did you do before this?'. Had a huge talk on the NMC - which means I'm now going to be deleting a lot of old blog posts and probably wont ever post anything very interesting.
2pm: More talks about the course, recieved our handbooks etc. Not much else to report. Missed my kids loads, nearly cried again.
5.45pm: Got home, and managed to jog instead of run from the bus stop today to see them lol.
Wednesday:
8.30am: Getting ready to leave. Weird, emotional day today as my boyfriend had his last day at work yesterday and from today has become a stay at home daddy for our children, so that I can go to uni to persue my dreams!
10am: Collected our folder with our clinical skills information for the year from the admin building then had to walk to the uni campus
11am: Two hours of watching birth videos and discussing what we were watching, which was really interesting. Sure, I've seen a billion birth videos but they never get old, and I nearly always tear up. I found the following discussions more interesting than the videos themselves. I completely respect other peoples opinions, but I have to admit I was actually surprised how different many opinions were... I quite naively thought 'hey, we're all going into the same thing, we probably all have the same opinions'... well that is very much NOT the case and I guess I will have to get used to that.
2.30pm: Arrived home, as wednesday is half day. Managed to walk from the bus today rather than running or jogging. Was weird arriving home to my boyfriend, who had tidied, cleaned, hoovered, and then tonight made me a packed lunch for the morning? Very strange behaviour...
Thursday
9.30am arrived nice and early to have another talk about rules and conduct - social networking, plagerism etc etc.
11am 2 hour talk about health and safety, moving and handling, back care etc.
1.30pm Got the train home, we finished early! Yay. Went to meet my family to spend the afternoon out together in the sunshine, make the most of our free time before my real work load begins.
Sunday, 18 September 2011
My first day
And so it begins.
Maybe this blog will start to get a little more interesting from tomorrow onwards :)
Gah, I seriously can't sleep.
Maybe this blog will start to get a little more interesting from tomorrow onwards :)
Gah, I seriously can't sleep.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Kangaroo care and babywearing!
Well, what can I say - I am a complete sling convert. Every day I wish that I had discovered the awesomeness of babywearing when my eldest son was born. Oh, don't get me wrong - I could see the benefits of skin to skin, keeping close to baby - but I just had so much to do. So I got thinking, 'I'm sure I've seen people wearing slings? I'll pop into mothercare and see if I can get one for myself.' I guess there was my first mistake. My first sling became the Tomy Freestyle, and I'm sad to say it put me off slings for nearly two years!
Why I hated the baby bjorn style sling:
1. There was thick padded material between me and the baby - I wanted to be close to him, not keep him seperate from my body! Duh!
2. It hung somewhere around my stomach. It pulled on my back and neck muscles. It was like wearing a 10lb necklace.
3. All the pictures showed cute babies and happy families with the baby facing outwards, so that's what I did. I thought it looked really strange though, and made me a bit self concious.
4. His legs were just dangling, flapping around in the wind. How on earth is could that have been good for his hips?
So I ebayed the sling, and fully embraced my travel system.
When my son turned one I was pregnant with my second son. I actually started to panic. I had done everything wrong the first time round. I started researching and decided to start off with a moby wrap when my son was born.
Best choice I ever made.
I guess my sling addiction started from there, my son is only 7 months (tomorrow) and I've lost count of slings I have - my stretchy, my woven wraps, my mei tais, my wrap conversion (all time favourite at the mo), my toddler SSCs! Such an expensive habit though! Lol.
So anyway - why did I feel the need to write this today? All I've done is rambled so far!
When I carry my baby, within minutes I feel his body relax, his breathing steadies, he starts softly cooing, sometimes he rests his head against my chest and puts his tiny chubby hand over my heart and I swear he's feeling, listening to the rhythm of my heart beating.
I notice a difference, on days when I'm feeling down, grumpy, tired and I don't wear him. He cries a lot more. He sleeps a lot less. I always find myself suddenly sympathising with mothers who say things like 'he doesn't stop crying!' or 'he never sleeps, I can't get a thing done!'
I've also noticed a change in my toddler. He was coming up to 2 when my baby was born, and I decided to start wearing him too. I actually found it easier in the begining to wrap with him as he was a heavyweight whereas the baby would just be floppy lol. Anyway when he gets upset or worried now, he goes 'mummy, ack! ack!' (that's back to me and you) and it means - get me on your back for cuddles, now! lol. Again, once he's on my back I feel him relax, he lays against me with his arms around me, sometimes reaches round and kisses me, strokes my hair. What can I say? I LOVE it :)
So anyway thinking about my own personal benefits of babywearing made me start thinking about newbowns, premature babies, ill babies etc - and how it must be beneficial to them. So I got googling and started reading about kangaroo care.
The more googling I did I found mothers on discussions forums talking about babies being in incubators, but not being allowed skin to skin. Or only for a couple of minutes. One person (I can't remember where I read this now) said that whenever she had him down her top cuddled up he slept and his temperature and breathing regulated and whenever she put him back in the incubator the respiration monitors started bleeping like crazy, but the staff said even so it was better he was in the incubator.
I guess the whole thing confuses me, and I need to do a lot more reading.
But then again I'm meant to be filling out forms and getting on with my workbooks for uni!
Why I hated the baby bjorn style sling:
1. There was thick padded material between me and the baby - I wanted to be close to him, not keep him seperate from my body! Duh!
2. It hung somewhere around my stomach. It pulled on my back and neck muscles. It was like wearing a 10lb necklace.
3. All the pictures showed cute babies and happy families with the baby facing outwards, so that's what I did. I thought it looked really strange though, and made me a bit self concious.
4. His legs were just dangling, flapping around in the wind. How on earth is could that have been good for his hips?
So I ebayed the sling, and fully embraced my travel system.
When my son turned one I was pregnant with my second son. I actually started to panic. I had done everything wrong the first time round. I started researching and decided to start off with a moby wrap when my son was born.
Best choice I ever made.
I guess my sling addiction started from there, my son is only 7 months (tomorrow) and I've lost count of slings I have - my stretchy, my woven wraps, my mei tais, my wrap conversion (all time favourite at the mo), my toddler SSCs! Such an expensive habit though! Lol.
So anyway - why did I feel the need to write this today? All I've done is rambled so far!
When I carry my baby, within minutes I feel his body relax, his breathing steadies, he starts softly cooing, sometimes he rests his head against my chest and puts his tiny chubby hand over my heart and I swear he's feeling, listening to the rhythm of my heart beating.
I notice a difference, on days when I'm feeling down, grumpy, tired and I don't wear him. He cries a lot more. He sleeps a lot less. I always find myself suddenly sympathising with mothers who say things like 'he doesn't stop crying!' or 'he never sleeps, I can't get a thing done!'
I've also noticed a change in my toddler. He was coming up to 2 when my baby was born, and I decided to start wearing him too. I actually found it easier in the begining to wrap with him as he was a heavyweight whereas the baby would just be floppy lol. Anyway when he gets upset or worried now, he goes 'mummy, ack! ack!' (that's back to me and you) and it means - get me on your back for cuddles, now! lol. Again, once he's on my back I feel him relax, he lays against me with his arms around me, sometimes reaches round and kisses me, strokes my hair. What can I say? I LOVE it :)
So anyway thinking about my own personal benefits of babywearing made me start thinking about newbowns, premature babies, ill babies etc - and how it must be beneficial to them. So I got googling and started reading about kangaroo care.
The more googling I did I found mothers on discussions forums talking about babies being in incubators, but not being allowed skin to skin. Or only for a couple of minutes. One person (I can't remember where I read this now) said that whenever she had him down her top cuddled up he slept and his temperature and breathing regulated and whenever she put him back in the incubator the respiration monitors started bleeping like crazy, but the staff said even so it was better he was in the incubator.
I guess the whole thing confuses me, and I need to do a lot more reading.
But then again I'm meant to be filling out forms and getting on with my workbooks for uni!
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Sunday, 28 August 2011
50 posts
Wow, look at me - two posts in one evening, usually it's two posts in one week!
Anyway I realised ealier was my 50th post - so woohoo! Though I have to admit, it is pretty lame considering how long I've had this blog lol.
Also realised that it's bank holiday monday and my certificates need to be at the university wednesday latest.
Please royal mail, please.. I'm begging you. Please don't let me down.
Anyway I realised ealier was my 50th post - so woohoo! Though I have to admit, it is pretty lame considering how long I've had this blog lol.
Also realised that it's bank holiday monday and my certificates need to be at the university wednesday latest.
Please royal mail, please.. I'm begging you. Please don't let me down.
Sending my certificates
Well. I've been hiding for the last couple of weeks - ashamed because I had lost my access certificates. I have literally been (secretly) pulling out my hair going crazy as they were meant to be at the university by the end of August to make my offer unconditional. So anyway my boyfriend found them today... He suddenly remembered we had hidden them in a 'safe' place where they wouldn't get lost. Haha. That there my friends is the definition of irony.
So I'm happy, it's bank holiday tomorrow so the post office will be closed but first thing tomorrow I will be sending them off :).
I have also been up and down to occupational health recently - which has not been fun. Couple of hepititus vaccinations, MMR etc. and if one more person says to me 'do you know what they put in them vaccines?' I think I will have to slap them. No I blindly agree to getting injected with forein substances without bothering to do any research first.
Another point of occupational health - my 'mental health'. I spent about an hour talking to the doctor and telling him I was fine etc. Then at the end of the appointment he asked me to sign a sheet that he was sending to my doctor to obtain a copy of my medical records to confirm everything I'd told him. Oh smurf.
A few days ago I got a letter from my doctor saying that she wanted to have a meeting with me before sending my medical records. Maybe now I'm going to have to admit that I might not be ok. I've been bobbing under the surface of their radar for so long now I thought I'd never hear from them again. Blah.
So I'm happy, it's bank holiday tomorrow so the post office will be closed but first thing tomorrow I will be sending them off :).
I have also been up and down to occupational health recently - which has not been fun. Couple of hepititus vaccinations, MMR etc. and if one more person says to me 'do you know what they put in them vaccines?' I think I will have to slap them. No I blindly agree to getting injected with forein substances without bothering to do any research first.
Another point of occupational health - my 'mental health'. I spent about an hour talking to the doctor and telling him I was fine etc. Then at the end of the appointment he asked me to sign a sheet that he was sending to my doctor to obtain a copy of my medical records to confirm everything I'd told him. Oh smurf.
A few days ago I got a letter from my doctor saying that she wanted to have a meeting with me before sending my medical records. Maybe now I'm going to have to admit that I might not be ok. I've been bobbing under the surface of their radar for so long now I thought I'd never hear from them again. Blah.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Why I don't post on my blog enough
I've noticed I have some followers, it's actually probably quite silly how excited that makes me feel!
It has also made me realise though, that I honestly do not post on here enough. Why don't I post enough? Well there are two reasons:
1. I'm not a happy person.
Let me clarify, I attempt to be happy.. and I pretend to be happy. But when it comes to writing, alone with my thoughts - it's generally not a happy place. When I go to write on here I usually end up writing a lot of rubbish about feeling sad or guilty or not being good enough - and nothing really to do with my midwifery journey. I don't really want to look back at this blog in a negetive light - it's meant to be a new, exciting time for me. So I usually delete them posts. I think I've left a couple - but that's when I've really felt the need to let it out a bit and I don't mind leaving them there.
2. I don't have time.
I know, I know - in a month I guess I will really know what not having enough time feels like! I can't sleep at night, and then I feel exhausted in the day. My days currently feel like surviving, not living - and I try to make them as enjoyable as possible and make the most of the time I have with my babies before September. When my eldest (2years) has an afternoon nap I do as much cleaning, tidying, washing etc as possible. When they both fall asleep by about 8pm I want to flop onto the sofa and relax, then I make dinner. We eat at ridiculous times in this house and I hate it. I often have dinner about 9pm. Then I got to bed as I feel so tired. I usually lay in bed till about 2am trying to sleep, interspersed with turning on the tv for a bit, maybe reading some of a book, playing with my phone etc. My laptop is nowhere near me and although I have an app for blogging I hate it.
So there are my excuses. :)
Oh wait I have another!
3. I ramble.
I start typing and it feels like my escape, and I find it hard to stop. I love writing but my style of writing is pants. I used to want to be a journalist and work for pregnancy magazines, write books etc. I had an idea after reading Ina Mays guide to childbirth with all the birth stories, I wanted to publish a whole book full of positive and empowering birth stories for pregnant women to read and feel confident. Chapters for every type of pregnancy and childbirth imaginable, including visits into the sader side of pregnancy and birth. The thing is I'm rubbish at writing so I never followed through with the journalism thing, OR the book idea (thought that would mainly be composed of other peoples stories anyway).
So yes. I love writing, typing. It makes me feel calm and relaxed and I while I'm writing I don't need to face the world. So when I start - I really hate to stop.
It has also made me realise though, that I honestly do not post on here enough. Why don't I post enough? Well there are two reasons:
1. I'm not a happy person.
Let me clarify, I attempt to be happy.. and I pretend to be happy. But when it comes to writing, alone with my thoughts - it's generally not a happy place. When I go to write on here I usually end up writing a lot of rubbish about feeling sad or guilty or not being good enough - and nothing really to do with my midwifery journey. I don't really want to look back at this blog in a negetive light - it's meant to be a new, exciting time for me. So I usually delete them posts. I think I've left a couple - but that's when I've really felt the need to let it out a bit and I don't mind leaving them there.
2. I don't have time.
I know, I know - in a month I guess I will really know what not having enough time feels like! I can't sleep at night, and then I feel exhausted in the day. My days currently feel like surviving, not living - and I try to make them as enjoyable as possible and make the most of the time I have with my babies before September. When my eldest (2years) has an afternoon nap I do as much cleaning, tidying, washing etc as possible. When they both fall asleep by about 8pm I want to flop onto the sofa and relax, then I make dinner. We eat at ridiculous times in this house and I hate it. I often have dinner about 9pm. Then I got to bed as I feel so tired. I usually lay in bed till about 2am trying to sleep, interspersed with turning on the tv for a bit, maybe reading some of a book, playing with my phone etc. My laptop is nowhere near me and although I have an app for blogging I hate it.
So there are my excuses. :)
Oh wait I have another!
3. I ramble.
I start typing and it feels like my escape, and I find it hard to stop. I love writing but my style of writing is pants. I used to want to be a journalist and work for pregnancy magazines, write books etc. I had an idea after reading Ina Mays guide to childbirth with all the birth stories, I wanted to publish a whole book full of positive and empowering birth stories for pregnant women to read and feel confident. Chapters for every type of pregnancy and childbirth imaginable, including visits into the sader side of pregnancy and birth. The thing is I'm rubbish at writing so I never followed through with the journalism thing, OR the book idea (thought that would mainly be composed of other peoples stories anyway).
So yes. I love writing, typing. It makes me feel calm and relaxed and I while I'm writing I don't need to face the world. So when I start - I really hate to stop.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Met some of my cohort today
Well today was fun, met a group of girls that I will be at university with come September!
We met in a cafe in hyde park and it was pouring with rain so we pretty much all got soaked! It was really nice getting to know each other a bit more finding out where we are coming from, what we've been doing before now etc and it's so strange there's a couple of girls that went to school together then moved away and did different degrees and have now finished their degrees and both ended up in London at the same university doing the same course! And even weirder, there's another couple of girls who pretty much the same thing happened to except they are a couple of years difference in age.
There's still a LOT more people to meet and I think we'll be meeting again before September..
It was also relieving slightly that a couple of people brought their children today and they were the same age as Jakob so I feel less alone. It's hard though - just being out today I missed my babies so much :( but I guess in September I will be so busy I hopefully won't think about it so much
We met in a cafe in hyde park and it was pouring with rain so we pretty much all got soaked! It was really nice getting to know each other a bit more finding out where we are coming from, what we've been doing before now etc and it's so strange there's a couple of girls that went to school together then moved away and did different degrees and have now finished their degrees and both ended up in London at the same university doing the same course! And even weirder, there's another couple of girls who pretty much the same thing happened to except they are a couple of years difference in age.
There's still a LOT more people to meet and I think we'll be meeting again before September..
It was also relieving slightly that a couple of people brought their children today and they were the same age as Jakob so I feel less alone. It's hard though - just being out today I missed my babies so much :( but I guess in September I will be so busy I hopefully won't think about it so much
Friday, 8 July 2011
Natural breech birth at 32 weeks
This week I remembered why I wanted to be a midwife, not that I had forgotten exactly - but more that life had gotten in the way of my passion.
My best friend text me saying that she was in labour and on the way to the hospital. I was excited, but pretty nervous too. She wasn't due for another 8 weeks. I was hoping it would be a false alarm or random niggling but as she arrived at the hospital early that morning she was VE'd 4cm dilated and her waters broke!
They put her on a hormone drip to pause the labour whilst giving her steriods to help try and mature the babies lungs. This was repeated that evening and then again the next morning. That evening they stopped the drip and let her get on with it. Her baby boy was born in the early hours of the next morning on 4th July 2011. He weighed 4lbs 7oz.
He's still in the NICU and she went home yesterday. She has informed me that all she's been doing since he was born is sleeping and expressing! He's struggling to feed and they don't want him to go home until he is feeding well.
I couldn't stop thinking about her for days! Literally wanting to know WAY too many details!
I have to say, I do love a natural breech birth story.
My best friend text me saying that she was in labour and on the way to the hospital. I was excited, but pretty nervous too. She wasn't due for another 8 weeks. I was hoping it would be a false alarm or random niggling but as she arrived at the hospital early that morning she was VE'd 4cm dilated and her waters broke!
They put her on a hormone drip to pause the labour whilst giving her steriods to help try and mature the babies lungs. This was repeated that evening and then again the next morning. That evening they stopped the drip and let her get on with it. Her baby boy was born in the early hours of the next morning on 4th July 2011. He weighed 4lbs 7oz.
He's still in the NICU and she went home yesterday. She has informed me that all she's been doing since he was born is sleeping and expressing! He's struggling to feed and they don't want him to go home until he is feeding well.
I couldn't stop thinking about her for days! Literally wanting to know WAY too many details!
I have to say, I do love a natural breech birth story.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
I'm poor!
So we're really struggling with money at the moment. I've started designing keyrings, magnets, framed prints etc to sell. I know I'm not going to make much but every little helps... Some of it's midwifery themed, and I've also started painting canvases for childrens rooms, little signs to hang up in the house
Lots of random stuff really. It's quite funny because I'm rubbish at everything including creative things so now I've started all this I've just been thinking no one is going to buy any of it anyway. -sigh-
When I set up my facebook shop I will add a link
Xxx
Lots of random stuff really. It's quite funny because I'm rubbish at everything including creative things so now I've started all this I've just been thinking no one is going to buy any of it anyway. -sigh-
When I set up my facebook shop I will add a link
Xxx
Thursday, 5 May 2011
International day of the midwife
I remember this date 2 years ago... My life changed forever.
Surprisingly it was nothing to do with midwifery. My first baby was born. Well I say born, I actually mean cut out of me.
Afterwards I was given a certificate to say he was born on international day of the midwife... I thought it was a joke, I had no idea this day existed!
I said something about how it was a coincidence. They asked why and I said 'because I'm going to be a midwife' with a big fat grin on my face. They seemed quite enthused at first until they realised I was just 19 with a new baby, no a levels and no plan to apply to uni anytime soon. They seemed bored then and seemed to humour me. It really irritated me at the time, I felt like they didn't believe me or thought I was stupid.
Looking back I understand their reaction. I was quite clearly clueless about just how competitive university places were, how important a good personal statement is, grades, experience etc. I thought they'd see my passion and that would be that!
I remember after that day I started researching more to ensure I managed to get a place at university. It was then I realised how seriously I needed to take the application process to be accepted into university.
So international day of the midwife is not just important to me because of what it is and what it stands for, but because of the birth of my oldest beautiful, amazing son and because I think I partly owe my university place to this special day.
Surprisingly it was nothing to do with midwifery. My first baby was born. Well I say born, I actually mean cut out of me.
Afterwards I was given a certificate to say he was born on international day of the midwife... I thought it was a joke, I had no idea this day existed!
I said something about how it was a coincidence. They asked why and I said 'because I'm going to be a midwife' with a big fat grin on my face. They seemed quite enthused at first until they realised I was just 19 with a new baby, no a levels and no plan to apply to uni anytime soon. They seemed bored then and seemed to humour me. It really irritated me at the time, I felt like they didn't believe me or thought I was stupid.
Looking back I understand their reaction. I was quite clearly clueless about just how competitive university places were, how important a good personal statement is, grades, experience etc. I thought they'd see my passion and that would be that!
I remember after that day I started researching more to ensure I managed to get a place at university. It was then I realised how seriously I needed to take the application process to be accepted into university.
So international day of the midwife is not just important to me because of what it is and what it stands for, but because of the birth of my oldest beautiful, amazing son and because I think I partly owe my university place to this special day.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
May update
Sooo.... I have an appointment with occupational health on 20th June, I've sent back my forms and stuff so the ball is rolling... Now I'm just dreading all the blood tests and injections I'm going to need :( I absolutely despise needles, which should be fun on placement shouldn't it!!! I really am trying to be less scared but I think it's just getting worse? Last time I had my blood taken I passed out when I looked at the needle, it was mortifying!
I had a mini panic attack in bed last night... I was thinking how quickly time has flown since Joshua was born and how he's nearly 3 months!!!!!!!! Then I remembered I was starting uni around the time he's 6months!
Half of my time with him has gone already and what do I have to show for it? I'm going to be busy with uni when he says his first words, or takes his first steps.... I'm torn inside whether to ask if I can defer my place or not - but I know realistically I wont do that.
I worked SO hard for this, my uni had Well over 1,000 people applying and only a few of us were given an offer. That's kinda changed now as they've been given extra funding and extra hospitals for placements so they are doing more interviews to take on more students and there will be around 92 of us! Unbelievable! Many cohorts for this particular degree have less than 20! Anyway I know they wouldn't let me defer for a reason such as 'I want to spend more time with my baby' so I would have to reapply next year and the whole process was so stupidly stressful I do NOT want a repeat.
And then there's the fact that I actually miss being out working doing stuff with adults every day! Hmmm it's so hard...
I had a mini panic attack in bed last night... I was thinking how quickly time has flown since Joshua was born and how he's nearly 3 months!!!!!!!! Then I remembered I was starting uni around the time he's 6months!
Half of my time with him has gone already and what do I have to show for it? I'm going to be busy with uni when he says his first words, or takes his first steps.... I'm torn inside whether to ask if I can defer my place or not - but I know realistically I wont do that.
I worked SO hard for this, my uni had Well over 1,000 people applying and only a few of us were given an offer. That's kinda changed now as they've been given extra funding and extra hospitals for placements so they are doing more interviews to take on more students and there will be around 92 of us! Unbelievable! Many cohorts for this particular degree have less than 20! Anyway I know they wouldn't let me defer for a reason such as 'I want to spend more time with my baby' so I would have to reapply next year and the whole process was so stupidly stressful I do NOT want a repeat.
And then there's the fact that I actually miss being out working doing stuff with adults every day! Hmmm it's so hard...
Saturday, 2 April 2011
I'm back - hopefully for good?
Welllllllll I know I have been awol for a while now!
The end of my pregnancy and the stress of waiting to hear was driving me slightly insane (I think that's where I left off?). Anyway... I got in.
As I said, I was nearly giving myself a nervous breakdown waiting for Kings to get back to me and I kept phoning and one time I phoned they had finally made decisions! She told me then and there on the phone and I still remember her exact words -'I can tell you that you have been made an offer'. I thanked her and got off the phone, but as the day wore on I kept thinking maybe she had actually said 'I can tell you that you haven't been made an offer'. In the end I caved in and phoned back and asked her again, and she said 'you still have an offer'. At that point I hung up and sat there dreamily smiling into space. I thought the first thing I'd do if I had an offer would be phone everyone I knew, but it wasn't - I wanted to enjoy the moment myself.
I really wanted to go to my Kingston interview to put as an insurance choice but they wanted extra modules on my access course and I thought if I just withdraw from the others then there's no more stress of interviews - just my access course to finish. So I withdrew from Kingston and Middlesex and accepted my offer from Kings, with LSBU as my insurance. What an amazing feeling.
Anyway I have TONS more to write about the last couple of months but I need lunch I'm starving :p
xxx
The end of my pregnancy and the stress of waiting to hear was driving me slightly insane (I think that's where I left off?). Anyway... I got in.
As I said, I was nearly giving myself a nervous breakdown waiting for Kings to get back to me and I kept phoning and one time I phoned they had finally made decisions! She told me then and there on the phone and I still remember her exact words -'I can tell you that you have been made an offer'. I thanked her and got off the phone, but as the day wore on I kept thinking maybe she had actually said 'I can tell you that you haven't been made an offer'. In the end I caved in and phoned back and asked her again, and she said 'you still have an offer'. At that point I hung up and sat there dreamily smiling into space. I thought the first thing I'd do if I had an offer would be phone everyone I knew, but it wasn't - I wanted to enjoy the moment myself.
I really wanted to go to my Kingston interview to put as an insurance choice but they wanted extra modules on my access course and I thought if I just withdraw from the others then there's no more stress of interviews - just my access course to finish. So I withdrew from Kingston and Middlesex and accepted my offer from Kings, with LSBU as my insurance. What an amazing feeling.
Anyway I have TONS more to write about the last couple of months but I need lunch I'm starving :p
xxx
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