So I'm in a grumpy mood tonight!
it doesn't help that I am still waiting for my communications marks from my tutor and really worried about my result. Turnaround is meant to be around 2 weeks.. it's been nearly 3 months :(
It ALSO doesn't help that a couple of days ago I found out my friend actually may be having an ectopic pregnancy, she has to go to the hospital for a scan to find out.
On a good note...... I finished biology unit 4 need to move on to unit 5 quite swiftly but my printer has run out of ink and I don't fancy reading a 16 page PDF on the endocrine system written in tiny font on my computer! My eyesight is disintergrating enough already :p
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Jealous? Me? Never!
Well what can I say..... I'm jealous. Really really jealous.
I really wanted to apply for 2010 but I wasn't sure I could get my access course finished by June and didn't want to push myself that hard! As well as gaining some relevent experience, working on my personal statement, looking after Jakob and Ian, trying to keep the house clean and tidy (LOL)... nope I would never have been able to do it.
But still it sucks, I'm happy - really happy for everyone who has gained a place for 2010 but still when I see them all excited about the equipment they can go out and buy now, books, meeting the other girls in their cohort... arghh I have to wait a whole year for this... and that's even if I manage to get a place for 2011 :(
I know all I can do is try... and to try and make myself a more rounded person I have applied to volunteer for a domestic violence charity and a bearevement (spelling?) charity to befriend women who have suffered abuse.. and to help + listen to people who have suffered a loss.
To be honest I think this would give me great experience if I get either place, not just for midwifery but for life! and would be a lovely thing to do.
I am seriously falling behind on DLC work - uh oh! and have contacted a couple of local childminders to see if they could take Jakob maybe one day a week? depends on costs really. Then I can spend the whole day studying. As even on Ians days off he doesn't usually spend more than an hour with Jakob if I'm not around
Today is the first day I am attempting to do some work while Jakob naps. He usually has a nap from 10am-11.30am and from about 1.30-3pm but now his later nap is all messed up as I've changed his food routines so we will see what happens then. But right now it is 10am and I need to try and restrain from running around trying to clean and tidy and just ignore the messy house and get some work done!!!
xxx
I really wanted to apply for 2010 but I wasn't sure I could get my access course finished by June and didn't want to push myself that hard! As well as gaining some relevent experience, working on my personal statement, looking after Jakob and Ian, trying to keep the house clean and tidy (LOL)... nope I would never have been able to do it.
But still it sucks, I'm happy - really happy for everyone who has gained a place for 2010 but still when I see them all excited about the equipment they can go out and buy now, books, meeting the other girls in their cohort... arghh I have to wait a whole year for this... and that's even if I manage to get a place for 2011 :(
I know all I can do is try... and to try and make myself a more rounded person I have applied to volunteer for a domestic violence charity and a bearevement (spelling?) charity to befriend women who have suffered abuse.. and to help + listen to people who have suffered a loss.
To be honest I think this would give me great experience if I get either place, not just for midwifery but for life! and would be a lovely thing to do.
I am seriously falling behind on DLC work - uh oh! and have contacted a couple of local childminders to see if they could take Jakob maybe one day a week? depends on costs really. Then I can spend the whole day studying. As even on Ians days off he doesn't usually spend more than an hour with Jakob if I'm not around
Today is the first day I am attempting to do some work while Jakob naps. He usually has a nap from 10am-11.30am and from about 1.30-3pm but now his later nap is all messed up as I've changed his food routines so we will see what happens then. But right now it is 10am and I need to try and restrain from running around trying to clean and tidy and just ignore the messy house and get some work done!!!
xxx
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
News!
Last night I saw an old friend I haven't seen in a while. I think our lives have just caught up with us... me with having Jakob and renting a house with Ian, then starting the access course. Her with getting engaged moving into a flat with her fiance. She told me she had news.
I went round there with a couple of other friends I haven't seen in a while, and she confirmed what we had all guessed - she's pregnant! About 7 weeks apparently.
It sounds weird to say it but I'm worried about her. She's never really thought of pregnancy as a positive experience.. she loves babies! But not the pregnancy part. Her mum I believe has always told her how horrible and painful it is, that you have to be drugged up and it's the worst experience ever!
When I was pregnant she laughed at me doing my hypnobirthing and planning a home water birth. I know I'd never convince her to do any of that but I just wish I could make her see what a natural beautiful thing childbirth is!
What is it that Dr Grantly Dick Read (spelling?!) said... a women in a less medicalised country was giving birth. and... damn I've forgotten it.... but it was so inspiring... basically saying she didn't understand why childbirth would be painful.... because she hadn't been exposed to all these people badmouthing birth, turning into some sort of medical illness!!! argh makes me angry.. Let me find what he said..
ah this silly blog won't let me 'paste' - i will work it out later!!!!
Anyway my missions for this year:
-complete access course
-volunteer for domestic abuse charity
-sit in ante natal classes somewhere :)
-persuade an independant midwife to let me shadow her
-take an extra short course (e.g. counselling, massage etc) if finish the access in time :)
-apply for universities
-help my friend believe in herself, her baby and her body.
I went round there with a couple of other friends I haven't seen in a while, and she confirmed what we had all guessed - she's pregnant! About 7 weeks apparently.
It sounds weird to say it but I'm worried about her. She's never really thought of pregnancy as a positive experience.. she loves babies! But not the pregnancy part. Her mum I believe has always told her how horrible and painful it is, that you have to be drugged up and it's the worst experience ever!
When I was pregnant she laughed at me doing my hypnobirthing and planning a home water birth. I know I'd never convince her to do any of that but I just wish I could make her see what a natural beautiful thing childbirth is!
What is it that Dr Grantly Dick Read (spelling?!) said... a women in a less medicalised country was giving birth. and... damn I've forgotten it.... but it was so inspiring... basically saying she didn't understand why childbirth would be painful.... because she hadn't been exposed to all these people badmouthing birth, turning into some sort of medical illness!!! argh makes me angry.. Let me find what he said..
ah this silly blog won't let me 'paste' - i will work it out later!!!!
Anyway my missions for this year:
-complete access course
-volunteer for domestic abuse charity
-sit in ante natal classes somewhere :)
-persuade an independant midwife to let me shadow her
-take an extra short course (e.g. counselling, massage etc) if finish the access in time :)
-apply for universities
-help my friend believe in herself, her baby and her body.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
What made me choose midwifery?
Just thought I'd explain my passion for midwifery a bit. It's all basically stemmed from my own experience of having a baby. Here's some info on my background to help get an idea:
When I was in college I messed up my A Levels and quit. I worked in retail for a while but decided to try and sort my life out.
I applied for Kingston College to redo my A Levels when I was 19, Biology, Psychology, English Language + sociology.
Not long before I was due to start I found out I was pregnant. It felt like my world came crashing down around me. I had quit my job to start college.. to sort out my life. And now I didn't want to go to college! If I had a baby it would be due about a month before my exams... how could I revise and concentrate with a newborn baby keeping me up all night. I turned down my place.
I didn't do much throughout my pregnancy, I suppose people didn't want to hire somebody who would work for 5 months and then take time off for a baby? I moped around eating.. gained over 3 stone...
The worst memory of my pregnancy unfortunately were the midwives. I was made to feel like I was in their way, annoying them... like me and my baby were a waste of time.
There was one incident where I was bleeding, and hadn't felt my baby move in a couple of days... I won't go into detail or mention the hospital I was at but they basically left me in a dirty room in the delivery suit, with another womens blood on the floor thinking my baby had died inside me. Around 6 hours later I got a 'whoops there he is! haha' and told to go back home.
I was terrified of giving birth there after that and took a course of hypnobirthing sessions which I found truly amazing. I had a wonderful teacher called Christine Hall - for anyone pregnant and thinking of doing it please contact her she is lovely and supportive and just what I needed when I decided there was no way I was going back into that hospital and planned a home birth!
I found out about a week before I was due my baby was breech.. he had been all along but nobody noticed until a male student midwife told the senior midwives, 'um actually I'm sure he's breech, look feel here...'
I was conviced to have a C section. I was told my baby's body would come out and his head would get stuck and he would suffocate and die, among other things. I went home crying and spent most of my time crying until a week later when he was cut out of me at 10.13am on 05/05/2009 weighing 6lbs 15oz.
I knew at that moment that I shouldn't have believed them. I knew I could have given birth to him, breech or not. I believed in my body but ultimately I let myself down because of them.
I was sewn up and taken to the post natal wards, hugging my baby in bed. They tried to take him away and put him in a plastic cot by my bed... why couldn't I hug him? Oh, because I may suffocate him..again. They seem obsessed with suffocation!
That night I lay awake hearing other women in beds near me crying and the midwives getting irritable with them. I started crying myself and ended up crying most of the night for the next 3 days I was there.
I wanted to breastfeed so badly.. I had no idea what to do... the midwives walked off and I fell asleep because of the drugs I suppose. I woke up about 4 hours later and a midwife started shouting at me for my feeding my baby. I told her, with tears running down my face that I didn't know how to do it... I was 19, with my first baby and no support. She looked like she wanted to slap me. She took my son and pushed him against my chest. I sat there confused. That was the extent of the help I got regards to breastfeeding. Every couple of hours all I heard was 'shall we top him up with formula?'
They said they couldn't let me out of hospital until either I was happily breastfeeding or formula feeding. After 3 days I actually would rather have died than been there any longer and told them he was feeding well.
The first thing I did when leaving the hospital was buy an electric breast pump and bottles. For 2 weeks I had a breast pump attatched to me every 2 hours, including through the night.
In the end my partner Ian made me stop. I sat around pumping and crying. It was painful, I don't know why it didn't work properly. Maybe I'm just stupid. I gave him as much breastmilk I could before switching to formula. Ian could see how down and stressed I was and in the end it was the best thing for me to quit!
This has been a long.... long story. It's just my opinion on how I believe the midwives at the hospital I was in let me down.
It sounds strange but this is the reason I started on my midwifery journey.
when my son was 2 months old I applied to an evening access course, but didn't get a place.
In October 2009 I started with the DLC - distance learning center... which means I can do my access to midwifery course at home whilst looking after Jakob.
It's hard, it's really really hard... and it will take a while... but I do believe I will get there in the end!
When I was in college I messed up my A Levels and quit. I worked in retail for a while but decided to try and sort my life out.
I applied for Kingston College to redo my A Levels when I was 19, Biology, Psychology, English Language + sociology.
Not long before I was due to start I found out I was pregnant. It felt like my world came crashing down around me. I had quit my job to start college.. to sort out my life. And now I didn't want to go to college! If I had a baby it would be due about a month before my exams... how could I revise and concentrate with a newborn baby keeping me up all night. I turned down my place.
I didn't do much throughout my pregnancy, I suppose people didn't want to hire somebody who would work for 5 months and then take time off for a baby? I moped around eating.. gained over 3 stone...
The worst memory of my pregnancy unfortunately were the midwives. I was made to feel like I was in their way, annoying them... like me and my baby were a waste of time.
There was one incident where I was bleeding, and hadn't felt my baby move in a couple of days... I won't go into detail or mention the hospital I was at but they basically left me in a dirty room in the delivery suit, with another womens blood on the floor thinking my baby had died inside me. Around 6 hours later I got a 'whoops there he is! haha' and told to go back home.
I was terrified of giving birth there after that and took a course of hypnobirthing sessions which I found truly amazing. I had a wonderful teacher called Christine Hall - for anyone pregnant and thinking of doing it please contact her she is lovely and supportive and just what I needed when I decided there was no way I was going back into that hospital and planned a home birth!
I found out about a week before I was due my baby was breech.. he had been all along but nobody noticed until a male student midwife told the senior midwives, 'um actually I'm sure he's breech, look feel here...'
I was conviced to have a C section. I was told my baby's body would come out and his head would get stuck and he would suffocate and die, among other things. I went home crying and spent most of my time crying until a week later when he was cut out of me at 10.13am on 05/05/2009 weighing 6lbs 15oz.
I knew at that moment that I shouldn't have believed them. I knew I could have given birth to him, breech or not. I believed in my body but ultimately I let myself down because of them.
I was sewn up and taken to the post natal wards, hugging my baby in bed. They tried to take him away and put him in a plastic cot by my bed... why couldn't I hug him? Oh, because I may suffocate him..again. They seem obsessed with suffocation!
That night I lay awake hearing other women in beds near me crying and the midwives getting irritable with them. I started crying myself and ended up crying most of the night for the next 3 days I was there.
I wanted to breastfeed so badly.. I had no idea what to do... the midwives walked off and I fell asleep because of the drugs I suppose. I woke up about 4 hours later and a midwife started shouting at me for my feeding my baby. I told her, with tears running down my face that I didn't know how to do it... I was 19, with my first baby and no support. She looked like she wanted to slap me. She took my son and pushed him against my chest. I sat there confused. That was the extent of the help I got regards to breastfeeding. Every couple of hours all I heard was 'shall we top him up with formula?'
They said they couldn't let me out of hospital until either I was happily breastfeeding or formula feeding. After 3 days I actually would rather have died than been there any longer and told them he was feeding well.
The first thing I did when leaving the hospital was buy an electric breast pump and bottles. For 2 weeks I had a breast pump attatched to me every 2 hours, including through the night.
In the end my partner Ian made me stop. I sat around pumping and crying. It was painful, I don't know why it didn't work properly. Maybe I'm just stupid. I gave him as much breastmilk I could before switching to formula. Ian could see how down and stressed I was and in the end it was the best thing for me to quit!
This has been a long.... long story. It's just my opinion on how I believe the midwives at the hospital I was in let me down.
It sounds strange but this is the reason I started on my midwifery journey.
when my son was 2 months old I applied to an evening access course, but didn't get a place.
In October 2009 I started with the DLC - distance learning center... which means I can do my access to midwifery course at home whilst looking after Jakob.
It's hard, it's really really hard... and it will take a while... but I do believe I will get there in the end!
The start of it all..
Right so, I have blogs floating around all over the place... and journals... and diarys... and photo albums... you name it! I adore writing and trying to make memories... as my own memory sucks! lol
The problem is, I ususally give up after about 6 posts!
This.... this one I will KEEP writing... even if nobody cares or bothers to read... EVER.
I'm so far away from my dream right now but I WILL make it happen...
and maybe one day when I have succeded other wannabe midwives will look to this blog to give them insight!
Love Charlotte
xxx
The problem is, I ususally give up after about 6 posts!
This.... this one I will KEEP writing... even if nobody cares or bothers to read... EVER.
I'm so far away from my dream right now but I WILL make it happen...
and maybe one day when I have succeded other wannabe midwives will look to this blog to give them insight!
Love Charlotte
xxx
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