Why I don't post on my blog enough

I've noticed I have some followers, it's actually probably quite silly how excited that makes me feel!

It has also made me realise though, that I honestly do not post on here enough. Why don't I post enough? Well there are two reasons:

1. I'm not a happy person.
Let me clarify, I attempt to be happy.. and I pretend to be happy. But when it comes to writing, alone with my thoughts - it's generally not a happy place. When I go to write on here I usually end up writing a lot of rubbish about feeling sad or guilty or not being good enough - and nothing really to do with my midwifery journey. I don't really want to look back at this blog in a negetive light - it's meant to be a new, exciting time for me. So I usually delete them posts. I think I've left a couple - but that's when I've really felt the need to let it out a bit and I don't mind leaving them there.

2. I don't have time.
I know, I know - in a month I guess I will really know what not having enough time feels like! I can't sleep at night, and then I feel exhausted in the day. My days currently feel like surviving, not living - and I try to make them as enjoyable as possible and make the most of the time I have with my babies before September. When my eldest (2years) has an afternoon nap I do as much cleaning, tidying, washing etc as possible. When they both fall asleep by about 8pm I want to flop onto the sofa and relax, then I make dinner. We eat at ridiculous times in this house and I hate it. I often have dinner about 9pm. Then I got to bed as I feel so tired. I usually lay in bed till about 2am trying to sleep, interspersed with turning on the tv for a bit, maybe reading some of a book, playing with my phone etc. My laptop is nowhere near me and although I have an app for blogging I hate it.

So there are my excuses. :)

Oh wait I have another!

3. I ramble.
I start typing and it feels like my escape, and I find it hard to stop. I love writing but my style of writing is pants. I used to want to be a journalist and work for pregnancy magazines, write books etc. I had an idea after reading Ina Mays guide to childbirth with all the birth stories, I wanted to publish a whole book full of positive and empowering birth stories for pregnant women to read and feel confident. Chapters for every type of pregnancy and childbirth imaginable, including visits into the sader side of pregnancy and birth. The thing is I'm rubbish at writing so I never followed through with the journalism thing, OR the book idea (thought that would mainly be composed of other peoples stories anyway).

So yes. I love writing, typing. It makes me feel calm and relaxed and I while I'm writing I don't need to face the world. So when I start - I really hate to stop.