Feeling down

Well today just turned so crap.

I've been arguing, or more like trying to avoid arguing with my dad all day.

I decide to go and do some retail therapy as i had to get out of the house and need some clothes for interview on Thurs.

my friend comes over and we go out. I open the boot to get my sons pushchair out... and i've only gone and taken it out of my boot.

So I attempt to carry him to mothercare, but he's just too heavy at the moment with my big fat baby belly etc so my friend carries him for me.

When we get into mothercare I find the cheapest pram is the Jive, which is about £30 which is fine for a basic pushchair! Only problem is they have about 50 bright pink ones, and one left in greeny grey with dinosaurs which is more boy/neutral. And there's a lady already buying it.

Her son is about 6 years old and says he hates the pram and doesn't want to get in it and wants to walk. But the lady says 'yes I know I hate this pushchair too but its raning and your shoes will get wet.' WTF. Here I am with the fattest pregnancy belly, hobbling around trying to carry my big-for-his-size toddler saying how i havent got a pushchair and i really need one and she's worried about her sons shoes. At this point I want to slap her. She straps him in, and they walk off - her complaining about the nasty cheap pram and him crying his eyes out because he's not a baby and wants to walk.

Luckily they agree to sell me the display model (with no discount!) and we're on our way. So I think.. .things can only get better right? Nope the only place we found that does maternity clothes was mothercare and they had no 'smart' clothes. We went to other shops such as new look but apparently none of them had their maternity ranges in this town for some reason.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to keep my son from screaming as he was so bored of shopping whilst getting hot and sweaty and red faced trying on clothes that obviously don't fit me.

In the end i found a plain smart black dress and a cardigan. It looks not-so-bad from the front until i turn to the side and the fattest baby bump is sticking out :(. I really, really didn't want to look pregnant for my interview.

So I end up just wanting to go home, I had a whole list of stuff to buy which i suppose i will have to go out and attempt to buy tomorrow.

I really need a break, i need to get out of this house my dad is driving me crazy. Luckily I had a night planned with my friend, but she texts me as i'm getting ready to say she doesn't want to meet up. All we were going to do is chill and watch some tv or a movie or something, whilst our boyfriends go out together for the evening.

I get a phone call from her boyfriend apologising saying she's started acting really strange and is having weird moods and keeps going and spending loads of time at her parents house, and i'm just hoping she hasn't got PND but the baby blues. I have no idea as she wont let me come see her.

So now my boyfriend has gone out, I'm stuck here shut in our room upstairs keeping out of my dads way. We have no food whatsoever as we were going shopping tomorrow and i was planning to eat at my friends tonight. And I'm bloody starving.

Oh and all I keep seeing is people who have interviews at kings. I know I should be happy I have an interview at all, and some people don't even get that. But I just feel like a failure. I'm obviously not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, don't show enough potential. I don't know. I guess I'm doubting myself a lot at the moment. Would I even make a good midwife? What if mothers think I'm shit, and don't even trust me? My own dad doesn't even like me so why would strangers trust me with their safety and their precious babies?

I can't even find the motivation to prepare for my interview, I just feel like it's pointless, they're going to laugh at me as soon as i leave the interview room so why even bother. I'm not going to cancel the interview, as I will probably (hopefully) drum up some motivation before Thursday, but I'm not holding out any hope.